I am having a hard time finding words to write tonight, so this will probably be brief. I'm laying in an adorable play room with little dolls staring at me and so thankful to be laying in bed, but I'll get back to how I got here... Last night was Trevor and I's last night together and I expected us to finish packing during the day and just enjoy the evening cuddling in bed, unfortunately our night was not quite that.
Three days ago our AC in the house went out, def not fun when it's 100 degrees in Texas! Trevor had been calling and trying to get it fixed for several days knowing that he was about to leave and our property management company failed to do anything. Last night Trevor had to go outside in the middle of the night 5-10 different times to "temporarily fix" the AC so it would blow cold for at least 20 minutes to make it more comfortable inside for us. I was so frustrated. All I wanted to do was cuddle up with my love. I didn't realize how thankful I was that even though we didn't have that "night full of cuddling" right before he left, he was here to make sure we were comfortable and everything in the house was taken care of...def something we can take for granted at times.
We got about 3 hours of sleep and 315am came very early. When I woke up and started getting ready I just felt as if I was living in a dream...was this really happening? Was I really about to say "see you later" to my husband for the next 200 days?? As we were leaving the house and Trevor said bye to Sophie, I cried and tried to fight back the tears the whole way to the airport, I had not expected this reaction. Most of the time I have found that I grieve before a big event and leading up to it, so this was unnatural for me. I think there are a lot of things that seem "unnatural" about sending your husband off "to war."
The squadron came to the airport to support us and as people shook Trevor's hand and hugged him, they left the airport to give us time. It was just Trevor and I along with his Capt and his wife...this was the part that I was dreading. We had about 20 minutes to chat, but really it just made me more anxious because I know it was leading to saying goodbye and watching him walk away.
Trev and I did end up having to say goodbye and of course I cried my eyes out...duh! But strangely, I think we were both somewhat relieved once he started his journey because that meant he we could begin counting down and he was one day closer to coming home.
I felt super irritable all day at work because our property management company was not responding to our AC going out and I was calling trying to suspend bills while T is gone, but thankfully I have the best coworkers who completely blessed and spoiled me. They made me homemade breakfast tacos and about 5-10 coworkers ate with me when I got to work and then they even made a cake for that afternoon...such an incredible blessing!
When I got home from work I was completely exhausted after only sleeping 3 hours, being 100% emotionally drained, and working all day...all I wanted to do was jump in bed with Sophie and knock myself out after Trevor called from Baltimore. I walked in the door to our house and immediately felt like I was in a sauna...it was 89 degrees in our house and Sophie had been home all day in it. I was furious at this point. I was furious that our property management company has refused to fix this problem and I felt completely helpless because Trevor isn't here to do his "temporary fix"...I quickly realized that I was not going to be able to sleep in my bed tonight, the one place I wanted to be. Trevor called during the middle of my breakdown and I was hysterical. I was laying in bed crying and sweating, completely overwhelmed. I tried to pull it together because I didn't want to stress him out, I know that he always wants to be there to comfort me, but I also know that he feels helpless when he can't jump in as a husband and help. I could def tell he was furious at our rental company and was feeling very helpless. Before I knew it, he had called Dale and Quinn was calling me back insisting on me and Soph staying with them. Trevor was very clear that he did not want me sleeping in our house alone with it 89 degrees, so I agreed to go stay with Dale and Quinn. As soon as I got there and saw Quinn and was able to give her a hug and squeeze those little girlies, I instantly was relieved. I felt at home. Their house feels like home because Trevor and I have spent so much time there together. Dale ran out and got me some dinner and Quinn and I were able to just sit and chat for a while before I laid down. I am so incredibly thankful for their family and I know that Trevor is too...He knew that if he called Dale, even the first day that he was deployed, that him and Quinn would do everything they could to help, and they did.
This brings me to why I'm laying down with dolls staring at me in a very cute pink room...I'm sleeping in Izzy and Sophia's playroom tonight ;) I was able to text Trevor until he got on the plane to Germany and then I got to read a letter he wrote me before he left. We exchanged letters for both of us to read once he left the states. His letter made me smile and giggle a bit because I have the most hilarious random husband in the world ;) Tonight I am realizing that yes the saying is true at times...when it rains, it pours but I would like to add something to the saying:
When it rains, it pours...God is still good.
As I am laying here, I know that God is good and I have "known" that all day, unfortunately when I feel like an emotional basket case sometimes I don't "feel" like God is good. This is my own sinful nature as a human being coming out, but I am being 100% honest and truthful...It's not always easy to feel like God is good in hard moments. One of the first things I felt tonight was helpless and it caught me off guard. I haven't felt that feeling of complete helplessness since my mom died in 2009 and I caught a glimpse of what that felt like again. After my mom died, I learned to become more independent...I had to, it was not be my choosing. I was in college on my own and while I still had tons of family support, I had to learn to live independently day to day. When I got married, I slowly began becoming more dependent on my husband for certain things, which is what I believe God intended when He designed marriage. I knew that Trevor did a lot in our home and for our family but I did not realize how many things he took the lead on until he was gone...That's where the feeling of helplessness came in. What I realized tonight though is that even though I may feel helpless at times, God provides people to step in during those moments. My husband knew it would not be good for me to stay at home last night, so he called people he knew would be there for me no matter what. So even though I felt helpless and alone in those moments tonight, God is still good and provided exactly what I needed. When I talked to Trevor, I ended up telling him that I think God knew I needed to be surrounded by love and that maybe our AC unit going out was actually a blessing in disguise. Do I want our AC fixed, of course! However, I think sometime God wants us at our breaking point so we are forced to cry out to him for help. Pray with me that I know AND feel God's goodness today.
