Choosing Joy

The holidays inherently produce joy, right?! Wrong. Sometimes you must CHOOSE joy...even when you don't feel that joy some days.

It surprises me every year to hear that others around me aren't just floating through the holiday season full of natural joy either. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Christmas and I rejoice in the meaning of Christmas and love the traditions that go along with it. Unfortunately, it is also those traditions that make this season hard. Very hard. I knew going into this time of the year that it would be an emotional and difficult season for me because they always are...every holiday since January 27, 2009 has been turned into a bittersweet day.  Since January 27, 2009 I have loved celebrating the birth of Jesus, Thanksgiving, and birthdays...Unfortunately, I also grieve the traditions that go along with these joyous days and it's some of those traditions that I miss and long for.

Would it be easier to be JOYFUL during these holidays if I focused more on the REASON for the holiday than on the traditions that come with it that I miss so dearly?

After Trevor and I got married, the holidays didn't necessarily get easier, they were just different in the way that it was easier for me to find JOY in them! I had someone to celebrate these old traditions with as well as create new ones for our new family :) I have so much to be thankful for and when the person you love more than anyone on this earth is next to you, going through and even feeling the pain of these days with you, it is easier to find and feel that joy. Well this year, that person is over 7,000 miles away. 7,000 miles.... That is a lot of miles. Because of this distance, I have to choose joy. I don't say this lightly because honestly, even when I wake up in the morning saying that I am choosing to be joyful and thankful for this day, I don't always feel it. And it's okay if we don't always feel the things we believe, as long as we can choose to believe them despite our emotions. I shared with a friend last week that after my mom died, I didn't feel cherished. I was without a doubt my mama's number #1 priority on this earth and I know that she loved and cherished me more than anything on this side of Heaven. When I met my husband, I remembered what it was like to be someone's #1, as silly as that sounds. Trevor is so good at verbally affirming his love for me and how much he treasures me as his wife and I was quickly reminded of that need that I had that was now being filled by my husband. Well now that my sweet husband has been apart from me for 3 months, it is easy to feel as if I am grieving two people. Two people who I love so much. I have said this before and I'll say it again...Deployment is NOT a tragedy, but it is a loss. I have temporarily lost someone I love to this war. My husband is absolutely amazing and does such a good job of encouraging me, even from 7,000 miles away, I just simply miss having him in my presence.

These are a few things I've been reminded of this season...

The Lord cherishes me. He loves me. He treasures me. He will never leave or forsake me. He is the one I need to call out to when I am in a season of being alone and when my husband is here beside me. It is so easy as wives to expect our husbands to comfort us, carry our burdens, have all the answers to what we are struggling with, and encourage us. Unfortunately, no matter how amazing our husbands are, those are unrealistic expectations for ANY human being. God does instruct us to go to our husbands for encouragement and comfort, etc but He calls us to HIM to take refuge in and call out to. That's why we have a Savior...His name is Jesus.

Learning to calm my anxious heart

Last week I read one of the best books I've read in a longggg time! It was called "Calm My Anxious Heart" and it's by Linda Dillow. I can think of so many different situations this book could apply to and I feel like it convicted me in several different areas of my life. I strongly recommend it to everyone because we ALL become anxious and worry no matter what your story is...this book is incredible!

"For you formed my inward parts;
   you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works;
   my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret,
   intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;in your book were written, every one of them,
   the days that were formed for me,
   when as yet there was none of them." -Psalm 139:13-16

These are just a few things I learned from Linda Dillow's book about anxiety in my life...

• Philippians 4:6 says "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." What does this mean? I don't think the bible is discounting anxiety or saying that it is unnatural to have it or that we should never have an anxious feelings come up...I think Paul is encouraging us to PRAY as soon as we become anxious. I like how Linda Dillow says that we have a CHOICE to pray or be anxious. Sadly, most of the time, we (myself included!) choose to be anxious instead of pray.
• We cannot "walk in anxiety and in faith"...If we are walking in anxiety and CHOOSING to be anxious, then we are not walking in faith. It's as if we are saying that God cannot take our anxiety away...that it is somehow too much for him. But how would we know that if we haven't even requested help from him through prayer? This quote really made me think...

"The beginning of anxiety is the end of faith. The beginning of faith is the end of anxiety." -George Muller

I didn't realize how many things I am constantly anxious about until I started picking up on my nervous habit of biting my lip. Gross, huh? Deployment and the idea of not knowing where we will live in the next year are both stressful and things that I am "perpetually" anxious about, most of the time without even realizing it. And then of course you add whatever anxiety that work may be causing or things going on in relationships because we all deal with these issues! I was talking about this with some friends last night as we were talking about our husbands safety while they are deployed and the biggest thing that every military wife fears... Will my husband come home? Will he come home uninjured? A sweet friend of mine told me something that I now cling to when I begin to get anxious about Trevor being gone... as a believer in God, all of our days are numbered; my days, my husbands days, and your days. God already knows the day that he will take Trevor from this earth and if it is tomorrow, then it would have been tomorrow whether he was deployed OR home with me. God is sovereign. So as believers, He formed us in our mother's wombs and we are fearfully and wonderfully made. The Lord knew each and every part of us when He created us along with each and every day of our life. If I truly believe in the authority of scripture (which I do!) then it would tell me that as I begin to feel anxious, I need to turn to God in prayer and ask to be reminded of these truths. I need to cling to him because he is my rock and he is whom I can take refuge in.

The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.- Psalm 18:2

A forced day of rest

I'm sure it's not a shock to anyone that I don't always rest well...I actually don't remember the last time I stayed at home for an ENTIRE day and didn't leave the house once, it's really hard for me to sit still and truly rest. While God has been teaching me to appreciate my alone time, there is a difference in being alone and truly resting. I can do ALL kinds of things alone... Go shopping, decorate the house, etc. 


Well I have been sick for the past 5 weeks... Would that be a red flag to anyone else?? Seriously. In October I had terrible sinus stuff going on and when I went to the doctor, I was told I had the "common cold." I remember thinking..."Great, I took off work to be told that I need to take some Mucinex and ibuprofen." So I'm sure you can imagine, the next time I got sick, I decided going to the doctor was not necessary! The first week in November I had a garage sale and sure enough, the night after the sale I started puking my guts out (lovely, huh?). So for about 24 hours I had the stomach flu... and it was DEF the stomach flu, there were moments where I thought I had never experienced that kind of pain. Well about a week after recovering from that (we're in mid November now...) I got another "common cold" as the doctor called it and decided to let it run it's course since there was nothing they could do for the first one. Well this one lasted about 10 days and it started going into my chest...bronchitis?? So I went to the doctor right? Wrong...I just decided I could fight this off with Mucinex too. To make a long story short, I started feeling 100% again during Thanskgiving, or what I thought was 100%...I even went back to the gym for cycling on Wednesday for the first time in a month! 


Well....Apparently my body rejected the gym because the next morning I woke up sick, AGAIN! At that point I was thinking....How in the world is this possible? I am a healthy active 24 year old that has been sick for a MONTH! Trevor and I started to slightly panic and started wondering if I have something wrong with my immune system, maybe an autoimmune disorder? Well of course with Trevor being so far away, he wanted me to go to the doctor and be seen for blood work ASAP...just to rule anything out! So back to the doctor I went... The first thing he says is "You have a bad ear infection and bronchitis...why didn't you come in sooner?" Ummmm hello, don't you remember telling me it was just a cold last time? Ugh. I am so tired of being sick... I really try not to complain because I really do have SO much to be thankful for, but my goodness...I just want to feel well again! I'm tired of friends and coworkers asking "How are you?" And me either constantly saying that I'm sick or pretty much lying and just saying "oh I'm okay..." I am not good at not being my normal happy/social self and this has kind of thrown a wrench in that!


So last night I revisited that pain I spoke about above...my whole body hurt and all I could do was lay in bed. My sweet husband called and I was an emotional wreck because of how miserable I was feeling and I very quickly felt even worse for him. He felt completely helpless being so far away when I have been so sick...poor guy. He loves me so much and just wants to be a hubby and take care of me. He made me promise I would call someone during the night if I felt any worse. 


Thankfully, my antibiotics started kicking in and I am already feeling much better than I was yesterday! Praise God! It's funny because I remember my mama telling me "Slow down or God is going to make you slow down" and I used to think that sounded like a threat and I wasn't a fan of hearing it. Unfortunately, she was right! Almost every time I find myself doing too much or really stressed out, I get sick. It's as if God is saying "I will force you to rest." So here I am, embracing my day of rest (or trying to ;))! I am almost done with a book I've been reading and have LOVED...I'll be blogging about that next! So for today, even thought I am super sad I'm not at a friends house doing a cookie exchange, I see a lot of cheesy chic flicks in my future along with possibly getting some Christmas presents wrapped, and starting a new book! Of course, all with Sophie...She's the best company you could ask for on a sick day! 

So much to be thankful for!

Well I hosted my first Thanksgiving! I def never pictured it without hubby, but I realize that I have SO much to be thankful for... whether he is home or not! Wednesday night Britt and Em came over and the cooking of the feast began & we started to tackle the turkey! Britt and I were quite horrified in the beginning and weren't even sure which holes in the turkey we were supposed to clean out ;)  

I won't lie...This was a proud moment ;) We prepared our first TURKEY!

Looks pretty yummy...Stuffed with carrots and onions!

One full oven! :)

An awesome pic of our table setting from Britt's camera! 

Cheers! Thanksgiving lunch in our PJ's!

And of course, Sophie joined us! She even got her own plate because she sat patiently while we ate ;) 

I felt so incredibly blessed to be able to have a Thanksgiving meal like this & I am just so thankful for the people God has hand placed in my life. I am also so thankful that my husband continues to provide for me even when he is serving overseas and made it possible for me to host this meal for such sweet friends. What a great 24 hours of thanking God for our husbands, family, friendships, and even getting a bit of girl time (shopping) in ;)

Trevor decided since he wasn't here to experience my first Thanksgiving feast, that we will be having Thanksgiving Part II in April :) Can't wait! Who wouldn't want to celebrate Thanksgiving twice in one year?!?!

"Just stay busy, it'll make this time pass"

Sound familiar? It def does to me... It's the advice that I'm given the most often as a military wife whose husband is deployed.

About 2 weeks ago, a friend of mine and roomie who lived with us for 5 months moved out to prepare for her soldier coming home from Iraq. I had all sorts of emotions that week. What I quickly realized is that I really can cherish this alone time. I never thought I would actually enjoy being alone, but I feel refreshed and as if God has just been waiting for me to  experience what it's like to be "recharged" by Him and Him alone. I love coming home from work now and just hanging out with Sophie and reading, doing a craft, or catching up on Hulu. It is such a gift from God to embrace this alone time since I would not consider this my favorite season of life (mainly b/c my hubby is 5,000 miles away from me!)

If you would have asked me over the past 10 years what my biggest fear was, I would quickly blurt out "being alone." This has been a deep rooted fear of mine for a long time.
Going back to the first time my mama was diagnosed with breast cancer... I was 8 years old and I remember thinking "What would happen to me? Where would I go? Who would take care of me if something happened to my mom?" The underlying question was always "Will I be alone?"

As my fear moved from childhood fear of not having parents into adulthood it became a fear of lonliness in general. I never liked to be alone. It got to the point where I naturally made myself busy without even realizing it. I used to think that I was the type of person who simply was "recharged" by being around lots of people. I have recently realized that I don't think that is necessarily the case, instead I was filling my gap by being surrounded by other people or by being busy.

I could go on and on about how fruitful this time has been, but I'm going to save that for another post. It has been a sweet two weeks for the Lord and I and I'm thankful that He has been faithful to show me this. It just makes me sad because I know so many wives who love the Lord and think that staying "busy" will help the time go by as if they can race through this year of their life. If you think about just wanting this season to pass, it's as if you're holding a stop sign in front of God saying "I'm sorry, I cannot be used by you until my husband is home with me" or even "I cannot sit in your presence still because I have to stay busy to make this time go by..."Do we really make deals like this with our Creator? We try to...but they don't work, when we try to "bargain" with God, we never win. We may feel as if we are winning, but can not really experience true fruitfulness and restoration until we surrender the thought that we deserve something from Him. I feel like I need to distinguish between "busying yourself" and having special things to look forward to during deployment...the first one is a way of trying to make this time go by without thinking about our purpose in it or even being thankful for it. Yes I said it, thankful for deployment. I would never wish deployment on anyone, but my husband and I have both said that our marriage has already grown in incredible ways in less than 2 months of him being gone, so yes, we are thankful for that. I think every wife should have special things to look forward to during deployment and that is something very different than mindlessly busying yourself! God is challenging me to sit still in his presence and embrace this season of my life...if you are a military wife of a deployed servicemember, it's my challenge to you as well!

A sweet moment

I'm sitting on my couch writing with Sophie cuddled up next to me with my Gatorade and Chicken Noodle soup because I have the stomach flu...ugh. Let me just say that I have NEVER missed my husband more than I have this week. Being sick and alone is one of the most vulnerable and frustrating feelings. Thankfully, this sickness came on AFTER our garage sale that morning. We had a great garage sale and sold a ton of stuff but the best part was getting to go through more boxes in our garage and consolidate/get rid of things!


As I was plowing through a box, I found this picture of my mama and I. I don't even remember this picture being taken and honestly don't even remember where we were, but it was my favorite part of the day for sure. It is so so sweet. My mama is wearing one of her colorful chemo hats that she wore so well and I just love the image that is captured here. Thank you God for this sweet reminder of my lovely mother, it was like a breath of fresh air to find! 

A new tug at my heart

Just when I thought I was in a good rythym blogging, I stop...what's up with that? Well I have definately had a lot of "ups and downs" over the last month and I just can't allow myself to blog until I am able to write intentionally and articulate my thoughts, not just puke out a bunch of emotions onto my keyboard! I never want to write when I am an emotional mess because that's not helpful for anyone to read...especially because so many of my friends are going through this same season of deployment!

I have been feeling a light tug over the past few months and it wasn't until recently that I was able to identify what that tug was...until it became a not so light tug. As I've written before, when an opportunity for a Hospice position came open, I was not completely sure about it because I didn't know what my comfort level would be with my own experience as a family member of a previous hospice patient. I quickly fell in love! God has surrounded Trevor and I with suffering over the past few months and a suffering that is deeply rooted. Two friends who I am very close to had to say goodbye to their babies the day they were born and now they are clinging to the truth that they receive from God's word but are also learning how to work through their grief. As I was walking through this with these two families, I was desperately wanting to be able to relate in some way, even though I am not a mother. I read two books that really helped my perspective and at least gave me a better glimpse of what they were going through. I would recommend both of these books to anyone who has lost someone important in their lives or even if you just want to know more how to relate to and love your friends who have lost someone.

"I will carry you" - Angie Smith
"Holding onto Hope"- Nancy Guthrie

Grief is natural, even if you are a believer and have peace about your loved one going to Heaven, you still grieve. And you should! My favorite part of working on the hospice unit has been listening to people tell stories of their loved ones lives and working through the aniticpation of end of life and beginning that "anticipatory" stage of grief.

"Grief is painful. Grief is unpredictable. Grief involves surprises. The way out of grief is through it"(author unknown)

I just have a desire and craving to learn more about grief and loss and how to work through grief biblically. God gives us a complete handbook of promises, commands, and instructions on how to live our lives to glorify Him and in that, we can learn how to work through grief as well. Why woudn't we use that? The same God who put us on this earth takes us to Heaven...and that same God gives us His word to live by. I know that after my mom passed away, I literally do not know how I would have continued living if it wasn't for the hope I have in the Lord. I know that's a scary statement, but it's true. So many counselors are afraid to address someone's spirituality in fear that they will be crossing a boundary, but how do you get down to the core of someone's grief without opening up that door and diving right in?

I'm not sure where God is leading me in this, but I want to learn more. I want to gain a better understanding of biblical counseling focusing specifically on grief and loss, whether that's through classes or books on my own! Maybe I am being called to provide grief and loss counseling as a career or maybe it's simply to broaden my understanding so that I can help, love, and serve my friends and family as they experience loss. 

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.- John 16:33

 God has shown his faithfulness & goodness to us through the stories of my beautiful mama, Lilianna Rose, and Gracen Faith to reveal this to me and I am forever thankful for each one of their precious lives.

A season of reflection

Since Trevor has been deployed, I think I've been in sort of  a "reflection" season. I have been really enjoying looking back on our relationship and even the last 3-5 years of my life. Below is a blog entry from April 29th, 2010 on my previous blog: http://allisonmfinnell.blogspot.com/.

I loved looking back and reading this blog because I remember writing it. I was sitting in my old apartment with my roommate Amanda while I was in graduate school living in Austin. I remember being so terrified of the idea of becoming a military wife and moving to Fort Hood...so I prayed. A lot. I asked God so many times to show me what our purpose would be at Fort Hood. Why in the world did it have to be in Killeen, Texas?? In this blog I was processing what we were praying and what we knew God was revealing. Trevor and I really began to believe that there was a big purpose for us specifically at Fort Hood and that purpose was to share God's story in our lives.  Not only to share His stories, but also to share the hope that we have in Him, which is what we knew would get us through each day as we've been called to the crazy. 


Fast forwarding about a year and a 1/2 and this is our life... God is using us in ways that are too big for our finite minds to even understand right now. We have been so beyond blessed by a community of believers and friends here at Fort Hood and an amazing church community. I remember trying our small group out for the first time and after everyone went around the room and said how long they'd been married, it got to us and we cheerfully said "10 days"...We were SUCH newlyweds! We knew that if we were going to invest in peoples lives here and share the hope that we had in the Lord, we needed to plug into a church and community group quickly! 


God has blessed us with amazing friends and a home that we believe he gave us so that we could use it to bless others. Our home quickly became an open door to our small group, friends, and even wives at Fort Hood as a way to meet friends.


I absolutely love this season of reflection. Thank you Lord for allowing me to stumble upon this old blog :) 

THURSDAY, APRIL 29, 2010

"Greater things are still to be done in this NATION!"

A few weeks ago I was sitting at church during worship when the song "God of this city" came on. I was struck by the lyrics and felt like God was speaking to me but replacing our city with our nation. It was put on my heart to sing...

"Greater things have yet to come, greater things are still to be done in this NATION...."

Trevor and I have had several conversations about what our place and calling will be with sharing the gospel with our life in the military. We constantly ask "How will God use our marriage for His glory??"

At that moment, while we both stood and worshipped God together, I felt His presence in a powerful way telling me that He is going to use us to share Jesus with military families that we are surrounded by. I know that God is going to orchestrate every move we make within the military to a specific base for a specific reason. As of now, this is something we are praying through, but I can't shake the idea that God is going to do big things to reveal himself to our nation as a whole!

This morning Amanda and I were driving and kept seeing flags hanging at half-staff...we couldn't figure out why. When we came home, we made chocolate chip pancakes and turned on the news. President Obama was speaking in honor or Dorothy Heights, a leader of the civil rights movement. He started reading out of the gospel of Matthew about the blessing of humbleness.

I feel like God has been working on my heart for our nation over the last month, and I don't know exactly what He is trying to reveal, but I do know one thing... that is that He has a big plan for His name to be known across our nation and within the military culture. The love of Jesus will change lives in military and provide hope to these families who are so sacrificial with their lives and allow them to see an even greater purpose for their sacrifice than just for our country.

There are so many people who sacrifice on a daily basis for everyone in our nation. What greater gift could we give them other than sharing with their family the hope of Jesus?

"Greater things have yet to come, greater things are still to be done in this NATION!"

My purpose as a wife during deployment

"What are my purposes during this deployment?"

 and 

"What does thriving, not just surviving even look like?"

These are questions that have been spinning through my mind over the past two weeks and I feel like God is beginning to give me some insight about this. I def do not have this figured out... I just simply feel as if my head is not spinning quite as out of control as it was right after Trevor left and I am able to focus more. I feel like the primary focus of this deployment is to love and support my husband while he serves our country well. As a husband, Trevor needs to feel confident that he has someone at home who respects what he's doing, supports what he's doing, and prays for him while he does it. 

Aside from supporting my husband during his deployment, does God call me to a specific purpose during our time apart? This is what I feel like He has been convicting me of the most. My short answer is YES. I think that God has presented me with an amazing opportunity to deepen my relationship with the Him individually while Trevor is away, just as Trevor has been given the same opportunity. 

I believe He has also provided me with a chance to serve other women at Fort Hood during this time. Every military wife knows that time is precious when our husbands are home, so we don't always feel like we have a ton of extra time to give outside of our family. Unfortunately that's not necessarily true, but that could be a whole new blog! The point is, I have so much time on my hands right now... My husband isn't there for me to rush home to, I don't have someone to cook for/with every night (other than my amazing roomie!!), and almost every weekend is available. So why not be spending time with other women during this time? Why not bring a friend a meal after she's had a baby? Why not just go hang out with a friend and her three kiddos since it is more difficult for her to get out of the house?

This is what I'm realizing. Deployment is hard...Yes! The week Trevor left was the worst week I've had in the last 3 years, however, deployment is not a tragedy. Deployment is a loss...But not a tragedy. When Trevor left, I definitely felt a loss. I grieved the loss of my husband as I prepared for him to be gone the next 6-7 months and it was hard. I cried, a lot. In saying that, I have friends who are going through tragedies. Real tragedies. Tragedies that are strengthening them in amazing ways. Two of my closest friends at Fort Hood just had to say goodbye to their daughters who only lived hours on the day they were born. Both of these women are able to see that even though their daughters lives were short here on this Earth, God has a mighty and perfect purpose for their life and story. I truly believe that God is calling me to be intentional with my time and use it wisely. We have been given an amazing opportunity as military wives to take our extra time and bless someone else. 


I miss my husband every day and would never have asked for this deployment, but God put us at Fort Hood Texas and sent my husband to Afghanistan for a reason larger than my finite mind can understand. I also know that one of the purposes behind this deployment is to learn how to of bless others. This is my prayer...That I will be able to grieve the loss of my husband for the next 6-7 months but also realize that him leaving is not a tragedy and focus on what I feel like God is calling me to do here on the home front. 

Entrusted With Much

Today we celebrated Gracen Faith Saltzgaber's sweet little life! We knew from the beginning that her time here on Earth would be short because God had bigger things for her life and this afternoon we celebrated and we grieved. We know that Gracen is now dancing in the arms of Jesus, but we still miss her...and that's okay. Dale and Quinn have been absolutely amazing through this and have really shown what it looks like to serve others when you are still grieving. They did so much to make Gracen's service special. It was perfect. 

Dayna told me that Shelli, a family friend, was going to share Gracen's story and she asked me to email Shelli a few things about what it was like to walk thru the last 9 months with Ryan and Dayna. So I chatted with Em and emailed her what was on my heart, thinking she was going to throw a few of my thoughts into Gracen's story here and there. Shelli got up and said that she'd like to read the letter that I wrote. My heart was pounding because I was thinking "letter? This wasn't a letter?" and was def not something I wrote prepared for an audience to read, but at that point I just prayed that my words were adequate and accurately reflected Ryan and Dayna's life.

Here's what she read... 

It has been such a humbling and amazing experience to walk through the last 9 months with Ryan and Dayna. They have inspired and tought our small group of friends so much from obedience to the Lord, faithfulness to prayer, what it means to be joyful during a tragedy, and constantly remaining thankful for what God has entrusted them with. Dayna just kept saying over and over that God has "entrusted" them with much, she would recite that to herself over the 9 months... just an incredible testimony that God is good and that He does entrust those he loves with MUCH. 

Dayna would talk about the hopes they had for Gracen and just her sweet personality that she hoped for was incredible. It didn't matter if she was going to live for minutes, hours, or a lifetime...it never had an effect on their love for her! I also loved that Dayna wanted Gracen to experience as much as she could while in the womb, knowing that her time on earth would most likely be short. We were picking dates for my husband and I to take a trip to Sea World last month and Dayna quickly said "We need to go soon because I want Gracen to see Sea World" and she meant it...we had a great time and talked about Gracen's first time on a water ride, her first time of Shamu kissing her in mama's belly, etc. Such a sweet day! Dayna never wanted people to "not talk about Gracen" or not know what to say about her...but instead she wanted Gracen to be a part of everything we did and talked about!

They also fully relied on the Lord and His grace after every medical appointment they went to. They never questioned whether God was good, but instead believed that He is sovereign. They also knew that this was not something of the enemy, but instead, something that the Lord allowed to happen because He has a bigger plan for Gracen's life and even for her testimony to be shared by her mommy and daddy and family/friends. They still trusted that God is good. God was good when they found out they were expecting, He was good when they found out her disorder, and He was still good the day she was born.

Another sweet memory was pretty soon after they found out that they were expecting their first baby, they decided not to find out the gender. One day Dayna and a few of us girls were laying by the pool chatting about girl and boy names and one of the most important things to her was the name meanings! Even more than how they sounded with Saltzgaber (which was complicated at times, HaHa!), she wanted to make sure that his/her name gave glory to the Lord and to what they had hoped and prayed for when they found out they were expecting!

I know that so many people have learned so much while walking through the last 9 months with Ryan and Dayna, myself included. They are truly an example of what it looks like to live a Christ-centered life and trust in the Lord no matter what He has them and how much His plans differ from theirs.

As I sat in the pew at our church and listened to Dayna read a letter that they wrote to Gracen and the whole church sing worship songs to our King, I literally wept. I was sitting between Dale and Jesse with Quinn and Tori on each side of them and I missed my husband so much in that moment. I haven't felt that feeling of "alone in a crowd" in so long, and the feeling overwhelmed me. I wanted so badly for Trevor to be sitting next to me holding me and to feel safe and comforted in his embrace. As soon as I felt this flood of loneliness, I started praying. The most beautiful thing happened...within seconds, I felt as if I could feel the Lord's embrace physically holding onto me.  It felt as if Trevor was sitting behind me holding me, but I obviously knew it was not my husband. What an incredible feeling. Somedays I wonder how in the world I am going to "survive" the next 7 months without my husband, but I know that God has a big plan for our time apart and I'm thankful that He is slowly showing us both that. I had become a very independent woman in graduate school and had learned to live on my own (with my roomie of course!) and I am starting to realize how much I have learned to depend on my husband. God is reminding me day by day that it is def good to depend on Trevor and it is how he designed marriage, but I have to rely first on Him. 

Day #3... Better than Day #1 & #2 :)

Wow, I can't believe it's been 3 days. Part of me feels like it's been much longer because they have been exhausting days, then part of me feels as if he left yesterday. Yesterday I felt like an emotional train wreck...Literally, I cried more times than I can count. My day started off praying for our friends Ryan and Dayna as they went into deliver their precious baby girl, Gracen Faith, who was not expected to live very long with us on Earth. As I was getting updates from the hospital and sending them to family/friends, I was also sitting in a treatment team meeting for 3 of my hospice residents at work. All three of my treatment team meetings were on my residents who were not expected to live very much longer and, therefore, we had very emotional family members. I remember I was sitting with a wife as she prepared for her husband of 42 years to pass away and I got a text on my phone in my lap...It said that Gracen Faith Saltzgaber had just gone to be with the Lord. I felt so many emotions during that moment that I can't even imagine what my face looked like. I probably looked like a very concerned social worker who was crying with her resident, but really, it was grief for this sweet baby girl who was just born an hour before and met her mommy and daddy for the first time. Minutes after I got that text, Trevor started calling and I excused myself from the meeting and talked to him for about 3 minutes since he would be traveling to another base in the middle east later that day. I was completely overwhelmed and he could hear it in my voice. Why did this keep happening? I was trying to avoid overwhelming him, but he kept calling at the exact time of my meltdowns...Clearly God was putting specific times on his mind to call me, those times that I really just needed to hear my husbands voice. 

After I got off the phone with Trevor and finished my treatment team meeting with my hospice families, I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. I hadn't been able to just cry over the news of sweet Gracen, I hadn't been able to let the tears out for my hospice families who were in so much pain, and I just wanted to sob a cry of relief after hearing from my husband. I needed to cry. I ran back to my office as quickly as I could and just fell onto my chair and started sobbing. My coworker has been so supportive and sweet to me this week and just hugged me as a cried. I think she knew that I just needed a good cry. 

Last night I was able to Skype with Trevor and actually see his face which gave me so much peace of mind and was able to chat with him a bit throughout the day today when he found a wifi connection. I must say...today was a MUCH better day. I think I am still feeling pretty drained but today I felt as if there was peace all around me...things just felt very calm. I was able to see Dayna at the hospital last night which gave me a lot of comfort in knowing that while she is grieving, she is still joyful and thankful for the gift that God gave her. After work I went with a friend to a girls night which was def what I needed...just to get big hugs from all my girls and just spent the evening chatting with them and sharing stories. 

Tomorrow I am going to focus on helping plan Gracen Faith's sweet memorial service with Quinn and have some good girl time ALL day tomorrow...I can't wait! I'm starting the day having coffee with Tori and Carol, lunch with my Em B who is driving all the way from Austin to Salado to the tea room, going to meet Jax and bring Jayme dinner, and then a girls night...dinner and a movie! Sounds like a GREAT first Saturday for the first weekend of hubby being gone. Thankful for all of these girls in my life!

Every time someone asked me today how I was doing, I responded by saying... "Day 3 has been better than day 1 and 2" so I suspect that day 4 will be even better than 3 :) Thanks for reading!

Day #1

I am having a hard time finding words to write tonight, so this will probably be brief. I'm laying in an adorable play room with little dolls staring at me and so thankful to be laying in bed, but I'll get back to how I got here... Last night was Trevor and I's last night together and I expected us to finish packing during the day and just enjoy the evening cuddling in bed, unfortunately our night was not quite that.

Three days ago our AC in the house went out, def not fun when it's 100 degrees in Texas! Trevor had been calling and trying to get it fixed for several days knowing that he was about to leave and our property management company failed to do anything. Last night Trevor had to go outside in the middle of the night 5-10 different times to "temporarily fix" the AC so it would blow cold for at least 20 minutes to make it more comfortable inside for us. I was so frustrated. All I wanted to do was cuddle up with my love. I didn't realize how thankful I was that even though we didn't have that "night full of cuddling" right before he left, he was here to make sure we were comfortable and everything in the house was taken care of...def something we can take for granted at times. 

We got about 3 hours of sleep and 315am came very early. When I woke up and started getting ready I just felt as if I was living in a dream...was this really happening? Was I really about to say "see you later" to my husband for the next 200 days?? As we were leaving the house and Trevor said bye to Sophie, I cried and tried to fight back the tears the whole way to the airport, I had not expected this reaction. Most of the time I have found that I grieve before a big event and leading up to it, so this was unnatural for me. I think there are a lot of things that seem "unnatural" about sending your husband off "to war." 

The squadron came to the airport to support us and as people shook Trevor's hand and hugged him, they left the airport to give us time. It was just Trevor and I along with his Capt and his wife...this was the part that I was dreading. We had about 20 minutes to chat, but really it just made me more anxious because I know it was leading to saying goodbye and watching him walk away. 

Trev and I did end up having to say goodbye and of course I cried my eyes out...duh! But strangely, I think we were both somewhat relieved once he started his journey because that meant he we could begin counting down and he was one day closer to coming home. 

I felt super irritable all day at work because our property management company was not responding to our AC going out and I was calling trying to suspend bills while T is gone, but thankfully I have the best coworkers who completely blessed and spoiled me. They made me homemade breakfast tacos and about 5-10 coworkers ate with me when I got to work and then they even made a cake for that afternoon...such an incredible blessing! 

When I got home from work I was completely exhausted after only sleeping 3 hours, being 100% emotionally drained, and working all day...all I wanted to do was jump in bed with Sophie and knock myself out after Trevor called from Baltimore. I walked in the door to our house and immediately felt like I was in a sauna...it was 89 degrees in our house and Sophie had been home all day in it. I was furious at this point. I was furious that our property management company has refused to fix this problem and I felt completely helpless because Trevor isn't here to do his "temporary fix"...I quickly realized that I was not going to be able to sleep in my bed tonight, the one place I wanted to be. Trevor called during the middle of my breakdown and I was hysterical. I was laying in bed crying and sweating, completely overwhelmed. I tried to pull it together because I didn't want to stress him out, I know that he always wants to be there to comfort me, but I also know that he feels helpless when he can't jump in as a husband and help. I could def tell he was furious at our rental company and was feeling very helpless. Before I knew it, he had called Dale and Quinn was calling me back insisting on me and Soph staying with them. Trevor was very clear that he did not want me sleeping in our house alone with it 89 degrees, so I agreed to go stay with Dale and Quinn. As soon as I got there and saw Quinn and was able to give her a hug and squeeze those little girlies, I instantly was relieved. I felt at home. Their house feels like home because Trevor and I have spent so much time there together. Dale ran out and got me some dinner and Quinn and I were able to just sit and chat for a while before I laid down. I am so incredibly thankful for their family and I know that Trevor is too...He knew that if he called Dale, even the first day that he was deployed, that him and Quinn would do everything they could to help, and they did. 

This brings me to why I'm laying down with dolls staring at me in a very cute pink room...I'm sleeping in Izzy and Sophia's playroom tonight ;) I was able to text Trevor until he got on the plane to Germany and then I got to read a letter he wrote me before he left. We exchanged letters for both of us to read once he left the states. His letter made me smile and giggle a bit because I have the most hilarious random husband in the world ;) Tonight I am realizing that yes the saying is true at times...when it rains, it pours but I would like to add something to the saying:

When it rains, it pours...God is still good. 

As I am laying here, I know that God is good and I have "known" that all day, unfortunately when I feel like an emotional basket case sometimes I don't "feel" like God is good. This is my own sinful nature as a human being coming out, but I am being 100% honest and truthful...It's not always easy to feel like God is good in hard moments. One of the first things I felt tonight was helpless and it caught me off guard. I haven't felt that feeling of complete helplessness since my mom died in 2009 and I caught a glimpse of what that felt like again. After my mom died, I learned to become more independent...I had to, it was not be my choosing. I was in college on my own and while I still had tons of family support, I had to learn to live independently day to day. When I got married, I slowly began becoming more dependent on my husband for certain things, which is what I believe God intended when He designed marriage. I knew that Trevor did a lot in our home and for our family but I did not realize how many things he took the lead on until he was gone...That's where the feeling of helplessness came in. What I realized tonight though is that even though I may feel helpless at times, God provides people to step in during those moments. My husband knew it would not be good for me to stay at home last night, so he called people he knew would be there for me no matter what. So even though I felt helpless and alone in those moments tonight, God is still good and provided exactly what I needed. When I talked to Trevor, I ended up telling him that I think God knew I needed to be surrounded by love and that maybe our AC unit going out was actually a blessing in disguise. Do I want our AC fixed, of course! However, I think sometime God wants us at our breaking point so we are forced to cry out to him for help. Pray with me that I know AND feel God's goodness today. 

Romance & Packing...

Romance and Packing...I bet you ladies never thought you'd put those words together, until you either married a military man or your man joined the military ;) On Monday night we went to have our last "family dinner" with the Walker's at one of our favorite places to eat and then Trevor and I came home to have a romantic picnic on our back porch. We even lit candles and put flowers out...He secretly loved it ;)

One of the main reasons we had a picnic was so that we could eat the top of our wedding cake...one year later! It's normally a tradition for your 1 year anniversary to eat the top of your wedding cake, but we decided right before deployment would be perfect for us...

This was the top of our wedding cake...it actually was pretty yummy considering it was a year old ;)

The next morning, I got to stay home from work and spend the entire day with hubby! I could not wait...I felt like a little kid in a candy shop! The other thing I've learned as a military wife is that any time you're given together, becomes quality time! So we spent all day Tuesday running errands, packing, running more errands as we forgot things, and packing some more! I think I ran to Target and Walgreens about 10 times if I counted all the trips in the past 24 hours, but I had to make sure my love was going to be taken care of and have everything he could ever need...Okay, so maybe that's a bit of my OCD kicking in too.

Phase 1 of packing...Everything washed and stacked in piles!  Waiting to go in the body bag (weird name, huh?)

Now everything was in the bag...But it still needed to close ;) 

I was not a fan of this bag... It was a constant reminder of how quickly "goodbye" was coming for Trevor and I. 

We were so blessed by an amazing Monday evening and all day together on Tuesday...Even though we may not have been doing anything special, we made the best out of packing and were so blessed by that quality time together. Love & miss you babe. 

Feeling Hopeful!

I am feeling very hopeful today... Hopeful that Trevor's deployment will go by quickly and that I will survive, but not only survive, but thrive during the deployment! This morning was our last Sunday morning at church together for the next 28 weeks...wow. 28 Sundays. We went to the early service and as soon as the worship music began,  tears followed. I was crying and I couldn't even tell Trevor why. I felt overwhelmed by the week that was coming but at the same time, so thankful to be standing among other believers and cry. After the service we went to the Heroes at Home class that our church offers as a community group for spouses during deployment. It was awesome. Trevor wanted to come the week before he left so everyone could meet him and he would be able to see the group I was joining. It was so encouraging as about 20 women sat around and shard their fears, hurts, and also their joy and what God has been teaching them through this deployment. I am feeling hopeful because God has provided us with an incredibly supportive community for me to live life with while Trevor is gone. It brings me to tears just thinking about it. 

I'm sure most of you have been seeing my posts on FB about these random surprise gifts that keep showing up at our door...well we are positive that it is ladies and/or couples in our small group leaving these sweet gifts of encouragement, we just aren't sure who is who ;) Since last Friday, we have come home to something encouraging on our door step each night and I wanted to post pics of them! Of course we've been taking pics of them each day...even Trev has ;) 

Day #1- We came home and found a Fall/Game Day basket on our door full of fun Fall stuff for me and USC stuff for Trev! It even had a gift card to Plucker's...one of our fav's! 

Day #2- This was a gift card for the Harker Heights Theatre and we used it on Friday night to see Moneyball! Fun date night for sure!

Day #3- I thought for sure I knew this was Quinn because I had just told her how much I LOVE the idea of using pumpkins as a flower pot but she swears it wasn't her! Adorable :) 

Day #4- This day there were TWO separate things on our porch! The first one was a cute basket with the book "God Strong", yummy baked goods, and a sweet card! The 2nd thing was this Chipotle gift card that a delivery man actually found outside! Glad he didn't decide to keep it ;) 

Day #5- This is def one of the most creative ideas! Someone left us two pumpkins on our porch with a basket full of carving supplies! We are doing this for a date night tonight, I can't wait!

Day #6- How sweet! Someone left us pretty fall colored flowers and a box of pumpkin bread to bake! Yummy :)

Day #7- This was a cute little basket with 2 notebooks in it (one for each of us) that said they are small enough for T to carry one in his uniform and for me in my purse and when we think of something we want to tell each other we can jot it down for the next time we talk! It also had a book of questions :)

Day #8- What an adorable country style basket! This was a fall basket with homemade pumpkin break in the towels and the "Courage" willow tree angel to add to my front table full of military stuff & willow tree angels :) This pumpkin bread was delicious...I had a slice this morning, too bad when we got home from church, Sophie had eaten 1/2 of it...literally! So whoever made this, Soph loved it too ;) Adorable fall dish towels to use again too!

Day #9- This is a patriotic picnic basket that I loveeeeeee! It has two other smaller baskets inside too! It also had a blanket, Mason jars, and some tea light candles! I think hubs and I are gonna have a dessert picnic outside in the back yard with candles one night! Love it :) 

I really hope I didn't miss anything because these gifts all meant so much to Trevor and I! I hung a bunch of the cards on our bathroom mirror and they have been so encouraging to look at and read. Seriously, we would never have imagined our friends doing something so incredibly thoughtful. Everyone has gone out of their way to make sure our last week together is full of sweet dates and memory making moments! We know that we def do not deserve any of this... or even such amazing and encouraging friends. It's amazing to see what servant hearts our friends have! We love you all :) 

Their World

As most of you know, I have had personal experience with hospice as a daughter when my mom was put on in home hospice in her final days. What some of you may not know, is that I started working with hospice at the VA about 5 months ago. I was working in my full time position in the home health department and asked my supervisor if there were any other openings in the hospital that I could help cover while we were short staffed because I wanted to get more clinical experience with our veterans. When she told me that there was an opening for an inpatient hospice social worker, I immediately was scared to death but felt like God was nudging me to take the position. To make a long story short, I have been covering half of the 22-bed inpatient hospice unit at the VA hospital in Temple in addition to my full time position. I can say without a doubt, I have fallen in love with hospice. I love my veterans, my families, and the entire hospice team. 


The interesting thing is that most of my coworkers on the hospice unit only know me as the "hospice social worker Allison" and do not know that I once sat on the other side as a daughter who had a mom who was dying.  My first day on the unit I lost a veteran and immediately started wondering if I truly could handle what I had just signed up to do... God continued to assure me that hospice is where He wanted me at this time. 


Today was a wake up call for me as a believer and as a social worker. I was told 15 minutes before I got off work that one of my veterans just passed away. I was told this by a nurse in passing and this man was very young and was raising several young children. I can't go into any details about this due to patient confidentiality, but this afternoon hit very close to home. The family did not request to see me so I decided to head home... already thinking about what I needed to get at the store to make the dessert I had planned for tonight.   As I was driving home I got to spend a few minutes chatting with a friend and had a sweet conversation about a blessing that they are about to experience as they bring their baby girl into the world. After I got off the phone, I couldn't get my hospice family out of my mind and began remembering back to the days before my mom died... She was my world. I did have a relationship with the Lord and He was above all, my rock, but my mama was my world here on Earth. She was everything to me. When she went to be with the Lord, my world shook. It even shattered for a while. As I was driving I realized that even though I was trying to "leave work at work," this family's world just shattered. I have been able to grieve over my mama's death over the past 3 years and God has been gracious to show me his love over and over again, He has even shown me glory that has come from the testimony of her life. 


I will never feel the same with my veterans as I did with my mom, and I shouldn't. She was my mama. Today made me realize that God calls us to and entrusts us with very important jobs. Each of my hospice families see their loved one as "their world" and expect that they will receive the best love and care possible. As much as I can't take my work home with me, I never want to lose sight of what it felt like to be a daughter. A daughter who was terrified of what life would be like without her mom at 21 years old. I never want to be a social worker who forgets what it felt like to be told "There are no other treatments, we would like to keep her comfortable and pain free." 


I remember those 10 days on hospice and feeling as if my world was crumbing. I thank God for this time I've been given to walk along side families who are facing the reality of losing what many of them consider their world. 

Meeting Hudson Ray!

Tonight was such a special night for our family as Tanner and Chels welcomed their first son, Hudson Ray, into the world! We drove down after work in anticipation of meeting him and thought that we would get there about 1-2 hours after the family had spent some time getting to meet Hudson, but Chels still wasn't out of surgery when we got to North Austin Medical Center. We only waited for about 30 minutes when we got a text that said we could come in...Now when I say we, I literally mean there were about 16 of us in the waiting room! Parents, grandparents, 5 siblings, and Trevor and I :) What an exciting moment!

Chels looked absolutely fabulous and Hudson was perfect! He was born at 3:16pm and was 7lbs 1 oz and 19 inches long, a big boy considering he wasn't supposed to make his debut for another 2 weeks ;) Tanner is such a proud daddy!

We spent a couple of hours passing Hudson around and "fighting" for time with him! Actually, no one fought, everyone was very patient considering there were about 16 people wanting to hold him! Hudson took it like a champ, even with flashing lights like a paparazzi!

I loved seeing her holding her precious new baby, what an incredible feeling! She was completely full of JOY and thankfulness to the Lord! Trevor and I had to leave after a couple of hours to head back home and it was time to say bye everyone. Unfortunately, we weren't just saying bye for the night, but Trevor was saying bye for the next 7 months. We were so thankful that he got to meet Hudson on the day he was born, since he will be 7 months old when he gets back from Afghanistan. I knew watching him say goodbye to everyone was going to be hard, but I never imagined it would be this hard. I walked around hugging people after he did and started to get teary eyed when Donna hugged me and reminded me that I'm always welcome at their home....Then I looked at Chels and I knew it was over. I walked over and we both immediately started crying, it was as if we read each others minds. Not only was I watching her say goodbye to my husband for 7 months but she looked at me and said "When will I get to see you?" I had to tell her about 2 weeks... and that is what broke my heart.

Chels and I have been a part of every significant event in each other's lives for the past 10 years... high school grad, college, engagements, college grad, losing my mama, her wedding, my wedding, and now her first child being born. I think what we both realized in that moment that we started crying is that God has put two very significant events in our lives at the same time, which He has never done before. It absolutely broke my heart to know that I won't see Hudson or be a part of the next two weeks of his life and I know that she felt the same heart break knowing that she won't be with me when I have to say goodbye to my husband for 7 months. God had created two very significant events in our lives at the same time and I think we both realized in that moment that we would be apart for the first time. I had to leave the room very quickly because I knew I was going to lose it...Which I did on the way home with hubby. I'm a true believer that it is good to let out a good cry every once in a while and it felt good. 

This blog is for my best friend, who is now a beautiful mama! God has blessed you and Tanner in so many ways already by providing you a beautiful and healthy baby boy, I can't wait to see what He has for the future! I'm so sorry I won't be there for more of Hudson's first two weeks in this world, and I know that you would give anything to be there when I say goodbye to Trevor. God is faithful and good. Love you Chels!