Yesterday affirmed the name I chose for this blog...We have absolutely been "Called to the Crazy" life. It is full of people telling you to hurry up and then telling you to wait, unknowns, uncertainties, and the lack of ability to plan. We were just talking about this at small group last night. The question was: How do each of you react when plans change? Do you pout, stuff your feelings, explode, or understand the need to be flexible? Well for me that was a simple answer... I pout. I am aware that this is a growth area, but it's true...I still tend to pout.
Last week we found out unofficial news that Trevor's deployment orders are probably going to be moved from leaving in June to one area of Afhganistan to now leaving in October to a different area. My first reaction as a wife, should be relief...relief to have more time with my husband. I am embarrassed to say that was not my first reaction... of course, I am SO thrilled to have more time with my wonderful husband, but my mind defaulted to the negatives (of course, stupid human nature...right??). Here's where I have been struggling in my heart... Preparing for deployment has been challenging for us individually and for our marriage, no matter how "well" you prepare for it, your marriage is just different. For us, we have been clinging to one another more, prioritizing our marriage more, and even pushing through unecessary tension and bickering with one another due to stress. Some of these things seem like good things (like prioritizing our marriage), but I don't always deal with it in the best way...I have been seeing it as a ticking time bomb for the last 3 months and now we are being told that he won't leave for another 6 months. The anxiety of preparing for it, accepting that he's leaving, and then waiting longer has been so hard emotionally. I guess the best way to put is that I don't want to see my husband go (ever!) but I am ready to get on the with deployment. I know that can be an unhealthy way of thinking because I don't want to be a wife who just "survives" through deployment, I want to thrive! I want to use the time to grow in my relationship with God, serve, and spend time with good girl friends! Trevor and I had invited a new dear friend of mine to move in with me while both our husbands are deployed and it really did seem to good to be true... I mean, yes my husband is leaving, but what other wife gets to go back to "roomie" time again once their married. It seemed like the best situation for sure, and almost too good to be true...and apparently it was! I felt absolutely terrible when I had to tell my friend that my husband would probably not be leaving at the same time and us living together may not end up happening :/ Of course, being an amazing godly military wife, she was completely understanding and just encouraged me in the situation! Praise God for great friends here :)
The other thing that has been a huge source of anxiety is that the location of Trevor's deployment will change with October. He was originally going to a very quiet area of Afghanistan that doesn't seem to be too much in the spotlight. Unfortunately, the place he will go in October is one of the places you see on the news all the time...that should tell you something, but due to OPSEC and the safety of all of our service members, I cannot name the place he is going. It is definately not the worst place he could be sent to, but it is way more active than I would like. This has been a huge source of anxiety for me...Fortunately this weekend, Trevor and I were able to talk about all of this. I was able to tell him my deepest, darkest fears and ask a lot of questions. He was as honest as he could be with me, while still protecting me by only telling me things that would be beneficial for me to know. He is an amazing husband. I found a lot of peace from our conversation, and even though it was not an easy talk to have, it allowed us to grow closer by talking about those fears and sources of anxiety that know one wants to talk about.
I titled this post "A Sea of Emotions" because it has not only been news about the deployment which has brought on anxiety and fear, but I have also been struggling with my job. I have not been happy in my social work position at the VA for a couple of months but have been unsure what to do about it. I finally got the guts to talk to my supervisor about it last week and she was so understanding and supportive. She immediately started looking for other areas I could help out at in the hospital and within just a couple days, I went to part time in my program and part time being the inpatient hospice social worker. What a relief and breath of fresh air to have someone so understanding and willing to allow me to move around :) As of Monday, I have begun my training to work veterans and families on the Hospice floor and I love it so far.
So the last week has truly been a sea of emotions for us...great news and difficult news! The thing that keeps coming to my mind is the verse in Ecclesiastes that I wrote about in my last post...We have to praise God for the good and bad! It is definately easier said than done, but I am working on making that a verse something that I live by in situations like this. We recently changed our blog URL to "Called to the Crazy" because that's what most people see the military life as...crazy! We do see it as crazy and chaotic at times, but we also see it as something we've been called to and wouldn't have it any other way! Thanks for all of your phone calls, prayers, and support this week! :)
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