Day #3... Better than Day #1 & #2 :)

Wow, I can't believe it's been 3 days. Part of me feels like it's been much longer because they have been exhausting days, then part of me feels as if he left yesterday. Yesterday I felt like an emotional train wreck...Literally, I cried more times than I can count. My day started off praying for our friends Ryan and Dayna as they went into deliver their precious baby girl, Gracen Faith, who was not expected to live very long with us on Earth. As I was getting updates from the hospital and sending them to family/friends, I was also sitting in a treatment team meeting for 3 of my hospice residents at work. All three of my treatment team meetings were on my residents who were not expected to live very much longer and, therefore, we had very emotional family members. I remember I was sitting with a wife as she prepared for her husband of 42 years to pass away and I got a text on my phone in my lap...It said that Gracen Faith Saltzgaber had just gone to be with the Lord. I felt so many emotions during that moment that I can't even imagine what my face looked like. I probably looked like a very concerned social worker who was crying with her resident, but really, it was grief for this sweet baby girl who was just born an hour before and met her mommy and daddy for the first time. Minutes after I got that text, Trevor started calling and I excused myself from the meeting and talked to him for about 3 minutes since he would be traveling to another base in the middle east later that day. I was completely overwhelmed and he could hear it in my voice. Why did this keep happening? I was trying to avoid overwhelming him, but he kept calling at the exact time of my meltdowns...Clearly God was putting specific times on his mind to call me, those times that I really just needed to hear my husbands voice. 

After I got off the phone with Trevor and finished my treatment team meeting with my hospice families, I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. I hadn't been able to just cry over the news of sweet Gracen, I hadn't been able to let the tears out for my hospice families who were in so much pain, and I just wanted to sob a cry of relief after hearing from my husband. I needed to cry. I ran back to my office as quickly as I could and just fell onto my chair and started sobbing. My coworker has been so supportive and sweet to me this week and just hugged me as a cried. I think she knew that I just needed a good cry. 

Last night I was able to Skype with Trevor and actually see his face which gave me so much peace of mind and was able to chat with him a bit throughout the day today when he found a wifi connection. I must say...today was a MUCH better day. I think I am still feeling pretty drained but today I felt as if there was peace all around me...things just felt very calm. I was able to see Dayna at the hospital last night which gave me a lot of comfort in knowing that while she is grieving, she is still joyful and thankful for the gift that God gave her. After work I went with a friend to a girls night which was def what I needed...just to get big hugs from all my girls and just spent the evening chatting with them and sharing stories. 

Tomorrow I am going to focus on helping plan Gracen Faith's sweet memorial service with Quinn and have some good girl time ALL day tomorrow...I can't wait! I'm starting the day having coffee with Tori and Carol, lunch with my Em B who is driving all the way from Austin to Salado to the tea room, going to meet Jax and bring Jayme dinner, and then a girls night...dinner and a movie! Sounds like a GREAT first Saturday for the first weekend of hubby being gone. Thankful for all of these girls in my life!

Every time someone asked me today how I was doing, I responded by saying... "Day 3 has been better than day 1 and 2" so I suspect that day 4 will be even better than 3 :) Thanks for reading!

Day #1

I am having a hard time finding words to write tonight, so this will probably be brief. I'm laying in an adorable play room with little dolls staring at me and so thankful to be laying in bed, but I'll get back to how I got here... Last night was Trevor and I's last night together and I expected us to finish packing during the day and just enjoy the evening cuddling in bed, unfortunately our night was not quite that.

Three days ago our AC in the house went out, def not fun when it's 100 degrees in Texas! Trevor had been calling and trying to get it fixed for several days knowing that he was about to leave and our property management company failed to do anything. Last night Trevor had to go outside in the middle of the night 5-10 different times to "temporarily fix" the AC so it would blow cold for at least 20 minutes to make it more comfortable inside for us. I was so frustrated. All I wanted to do was cuddle up with my love. I didn't realize how thankful I was that even though we didn't have that "night full of cuddling" right before he left, he was here to make sure we were comfortable and everything in the house was taken care of...def something we can take for granted at times. 

We got about 3 hours of sleep and 315am came very early. When I woke up and started getting ready I just felt as if I was living in a dream...was this really happening? Was I really about to say "see you later" to my husband for the next 200 days?? As we were leaving the house and Trevor said bye to Sophie, I cried and tried to fight back the tears the whole way to the airport, I had not expected this reaction. Most of the time I have found that I grieve before a big event and leading up to it, so this was unnatural for me. I think there are a lot of things that seem "unnatural" about sending your husband off "to war." 

The squadron came to the airport to support us and as people shook Trevor's hand and hugged him, they left the airport to give us time. It was just Trevor and I along with his Capt and his wife...this was the part that I was dreading. We had about 20 minutes to chat, but really it just made me more anxious because I know it was leading to saying goodbye and watching him walk away. 

Trev and I did end up having to say goodbye and of course I cried my eyes out...duh! But strangely, I think we were both somewhat relieved once he started his journey because that meant he we could begin counting down and he was one day closer to coming home. 

I felt super irritable all day at work because our property management company was not responding to our AC going out and I was calling trying to suspend bills while T is gone, but thankfully I have the best coworkers who completely blessed and spoiled me. They made me homemade breakfast tacos and about 5-10 coworkers ate with me when I got to work and then they even made a cake for that afternoon...such an incredible blessing! 

When I got home from work I was completely exhausted after only sleeping 3 hours, being 100% emotionally drained, and working all day...all I wanted to do was jump in bed with Sophie and knock myself out after Trevor called from Baltimore. I walked in the door to our house and immediately felt like I was in a sauna...it was 89 degrees in our house and Sophie had been home all day in it. I was furious at this point. I was furious that our property management company has refused to fix this problem and I felt completely helpless because Trevor isn't here to do his "temporary fix"...I quickly realized that I was not going to be able to sleep in my bed tonight, the one place I wanted to be. Trevor called during the middle of my breakdown and I was hysterical. I was laying in bed crying and sweating, completely overwhelmed. I tried to pull it together because I didn't want to stress him out, I know that he always wants to be there to comfort me, but I also know that he feels helpless when he can't jump in as a husband and help. I could def tell he was furious at our rental company and was feeling very helpless. Before I knew it, he had called Dale and Quinn was calling me back insisting on me and Soph staying with them. Trevor was very clear that he did not want me sleeping in our house alone with it 89 degrees, so I agreed to go stay with Dale and Quinn. As soon as I got there and saw Quinn and was able to give her a hug and squeeze those little girlies, I instantly was relieved. I felt at home. Their house feels like home because Trevor and I have spent so much time there together. Dale ran out and got me some dinner and Quinn and I were able to just sit and chat for a while before I laid down. I am so incredibly thankful for their family and I know that Trevor is too...He knew that if he called Dale, even the first day that he was deployed, that him and Quinn would do everything they could to help, and they did. 

This brings me to why I'm laying down with dolls staring at me in a very cute pink room...I'm sleeping in Izzy and Sophia's playroom tonight ;) I was able to text Trevor until he got on the plane to Germany and then I got to read a letter he wrote me before he left. We exchanged letters for both of us to read once he left the states. His letter made me smile and giggle a bit because I have the most hilarious random husband in the world ;) Tonight I am realizing that yes the saying is true at times...when it rains, it pours but I would like to add something to the saying:

When it rains, it pours...God is still good. 

As I am laying here, I know that God is good and I have "known" that all day, unfortunately when I feel like an emotional basket case sometimes I don't "feel" like God is good. This is my own sinful nature as a human being coming out, but I am being 100% honest and truthful...It's not always easy to feel like God is good in hard moments. One of the first things I felt tonight was helpless and it caught me off guard. I haven't felt that feeling of complete helplessness since my mom died in 2009 and I caught a glimpse of what that felt like again. After my mom died, I learned to become more independent...I had to, it was not be my choosing. I was in college on my own and while I still had tons of family support, I had to learn to live independently day to day. When I got married, I slowly began becoming more dependent on my husband for certain things, which is what I believe God intended when He designed marriage. I knew that Trevor did a lot in our home and for our family but I did not realize how many things he took the lead on until he was gone...That's where the feeling of helplessness came in. What I realized tonight though is that even though I may feel helpless at times, God provides people to step in during those moments. My husband knew it would not be good for me to stay at home last night, so he called people he knew would be there for me no matter what. So even though I felt helpless and alone in those moments tonight, God is still good and provided exactly what I needed. When I talked to Trevor, I ended up telling him that I think God knew I needed to be surrounded by love and that maybe our AC unit going out was actually a blessing in disguise. Do I want our AC fixed, of course! However, I think sometime God wants us at our breaking point so we are forced to cry out to him for help. Pray with me that I know AND feel God's goodness today. 

Romance & Packing...

Romance and Packing...I bet you ladies never thought you'd put those words together, until you either married a military man or your man joined the military ;) On Monday night we went to have our last "family dinner" with the Walker's at one of our favorite places to eat and then Trevor and I came home to have a romantic picnic on our back porch. We even lit candles and put flowers out...He secretly loved it ;)

One of the main reasons we had a picnic was so that we could eat the top of our wedding cake...one year later! It's normally a tradition for your 1 year anniversary to eat the top of your wedding cake, but we decided right before deployment would be perfect for us...

This was the top of our wedding cake...it actually was pretty yummy considering it was a year old ;)

The next morning, I got to stay home from work and spend the entire day with hubby! I could not wait...I felt like a little kid in a candy shop! The other thing I've learned as a military wife is that any time you're given together, becomes quality time! So we spent all day Tuesday running errands, packing, running more errands as we forgot things, and packing some more! I think I ran to Target and Walgreens about 10 times if I counted all the trips in the past 24 hours, but I had to make sure my love was going to be taken care of and have everything he could ever need...Okay, so maybe that's a bit of my OCD kicking in too.

Phase 1 of packing...Everything washed and stacked in piles!  Waiting to go in the body bag (weird name, huh?)

Now everything was in the bag...But it still needed to close ;) 

I was not a fan of this bag... It was a constant reminder of how quickly "goodbye" was coming for Trevor and I. 

We were so blessed by an amazing Monday evening and all day together on Tuesday...Even though we may not have been doing anything special, we made the best out of packing and were so blessed by that quality time together. Love & miss you babe. 

Feeling Hopeful!

I am feeling very hopeful today... Hopeful that Trevor's deployment will go by quickly and that I will survive, but not only survive, but thrive during the deployment! This morning was our last Sunday morning at church together for the next 28 weeks...wow. 28 Sundays. We went to the early service and as soon as the worship music began,  tears followed. I was crying and I couldn't even tell Trevor why. I felt overwhelmed by the week that was coming but at the same time, so thankful to be standing among other believers and cry. After the service we went to the Heroes at Home class that our church offers as a community group for spouses during deployment. It was awesome. Trevor wanted to come the week before he left so everyone could meet him and he would be able to see the group I was joining. It was so encouraging as about 20 women sat around and shard their fears, hurts, and also their joy and what God has been teaching them through this deployment. I am feeling hopeful because God has provided us with an incredibly supportive community for me to live life with while Trevor is gone. It brings me to tears just thinking about it. 

I'm sure most of you have been seeing my posts on FB about these random surprise gifts that keep showing up at our door...well we are positive that it is ladies and/or couples in our small group leaving these sweet gifts of encouragement, we just aren't sure who is who ;) Since last Friday, we have come home to something encouraging on our door step each night and I wanted to post pics of them! Of course we've been taking pics of them each day...even Trev has ;) 

Day #1- We came home and found a Fall/Game Day basket on our door full of fun Fall stuff for me and USC stuff for Trev! It even had a gift card to Plucker's...one of our fav's! 

Day #2- This was a gift card for the Harker Heights Theatre and we used it on Friday night to see Moneyball! Fun date night for sure!

Day #3- I thought for sure I knew this was Quinn because I had just told her how much I LOVE the idea of using pumpkins as a flower pot but she swears it wasn't her! Adorable :) 

Day #4- This day there were TWO separate things on our porch! The first one was a cute basket with the book "God Strong", yummy baked goods, and a sweet card! The 2nd thing was this Chipotle gift card that a delivery man actually found outside! Glad he didn't decide to keep it ;) 

Day #5- This is def one of the most creative ideas! Someone left us two pumpkins on our porch with a basket full of carving supplies! We are doing this for a date night tonight, I can't wait!

Day #6- How sweet! Someone left us pretty fall colored flowers and a box of pumpkin bread to bake! Yummy :)

Day #7- This was a cute little basket with 2 notebooks in it (one for each of us) that said they are small enough for T to carry one in his uniform and for me in my purse and when we think of something we want to tell each other we can jot it down for the next time we talk! It also had a book of questions :)

Day #8- What an adorable country style basket! This was a fall basket with homemade pumpkin break in the towels and the "Courage" willow tree angel to add to my front table full of military stuff & willow tree angels :) This pumpkin bread was delicious...I had a slice this morning, too bad when we got home from church, Sophie had eaten 1/2 of it...literally! So whoever made this, Soph loved it too ;) Adorable fall dish towels to use again too!

Day #9- This is a patriotic picnic basket that I loveeeeeee! It has two other smaller baskets inside too! It also had a blanket, Mason jars, and some tea light candles! I think hubs and I are gonna have a dessert picnic outside in the back yard with candles one night! Love it :) 

I really hope I didn't miss anything because these gifts all meant so much to Trevor and I! I hung a bunch of the cards on our bathroom mirror and they have been so encouraging to look at and read. Seriously, we would never have imagined our friends doing something so incredibly thoughtful. Everyone has gone out of their way to make sure our last week together is full of sweet dates and memory making moments! We know that we def do not deserve any of this... or even such amazing and encouraging friends. It's amazing to see what servant hearts our friends have! We love you all :) 

Their World

As most of you know, I have had personal experience with hospice as a daughter when my mom was put on in home hospice in her final days. What some of you may not know, is that I started working with hospice at the VA about 5 months ago. I was working in my full time position in the home health department and asked my supervisor if there were any other openings in the hospital that I could help cover while we were short staffed because I wanted to get more clinical experience with our veterans. When she told me that there was an opening for an inpatient hospice social worker, I immediately was scared to death but felt like God was nudging me to take the position. To make a long story short, I have been covering half of the 22-bed inpatient hospice unit at the VA hospital in Temple in addition to my full time position. I can say without a doubt, I have fallen in love with hospice. I love my veterans, my families, and the entire hospice team. 


The interesting thing is that most of my coworkers on the hospice unit only know me as the "hospice social worker Allison" and do not know that I once sat on the other side as a daughter who had a mom who was dying.  My first day on the unit I lost a veteran and immediately started wondering if I truly could handle what I had just signed up to do... God continued to assure me that hospice is where He wanted me at this time. 


Today was a wake up call for me as a believer and as a social worker. I was told 15 minutes before I got off work that one of my veterans just passed away. I was told this by a nurse in passing and this man was very young and was raising several young children. I can't go into any details about this due to patient confidentiality, but this afternoon hit very close to home. The family did not request to see me so I decided to head home... already thinking about what I needed to get at the store to make the dessert I had planned for tonight.   As I was driving home I got to spend a few minutes chatting with a friend and had a sweet conversation about a blessing that they are about to experience as they bring their baby girl into the world. After I got off the phone, I couldn't get my hospice family out of my mind and began remembering back to the days before my mom died... She was my world. I did have a relationship with the Lord and He was above all, my rock, but my mama was my world here on Earth. She was everything to me. When she went to be with the Lord, my world shook. It even shattered for a while. As I was driving I realized that even though I was trying to "leave work at work," this family's world just shattered. I have been able to grieve over my mama's death over the past 3 years and God has been gracious to show me his love over and over again, He has even shown me glory that has come from the testimony of her life. 


I will never feel the same with my veterans as I did with my mom, and I shouldn't. She was my mama. Today made me realize that God calls us to and entrusts us with very important jobs. Each of my hospice families see their loved one as "their world" and expect that they will receive the best love and care possible. As much as I can't take my work home with me, I never want to lose sight of what it felt like to be a daughter. A daughter who was terrified of what life would be like without her mom at 21 years old. I never want to be a social worker who forgets what it felt like to be told "There are no other treatments, we would like to keep her comfortable and pain free." 


I remember those 10 days on hospice and feeling as if my world was crumbing. I thank God for this time I've been given to walk along side families who are facing the reality of losing what many of them consider their world. 

Meeting Hudson Ray!

Tonight was such a special night for our family as Tanner and Chels welcomed their first son, Hudson Ray, into the world! We drove down after work in anticipation of meeting him and thought that we would get there about 1-2 hours after the family had spent some time getting to meet Hudson, but Chels still wasn't out of surgery when we got to North Austin Medical Center. We only waited for about 30 minutes when we got a text that said we could come in...Now when I say we, I literally mean there were about 16 of us in the waiting room! Parents, grandparents, 5 siblings, and Trevor and I :) What an exciting moment!

Chels looked absolutely fabulous and Hudson was perfect! He was born at 3:16pm and was 7lbs 1 oz and 19 inches long, a big boy considering he wasn't supposed to make his debut for another 2 weeks ;) Tanner is such a proud daddy!

We spent a couple of hours passing Hudson around and "fighting" for time with him! Actually, no one fought, everyone was very patient considering there were about 16 people wanting to hold him! Hudson took it like a champ, even with flashing lights like a paparazzi!

I loved seeing her holding her precious new baby, what an incredible feeling! She was completely full of JOY and thankfulness to the Lord! Trevor and I had to leave after a couple of hours to head back home and it was time to say bye everyone. Unfortunately, we weren't just saying bye for the night, but Trevor was saying bye for the next 7 months. We were so thankful that he got to meet Hudson on the day he was born, since he will be 7 months old when he gets back from Afghanistan. I knew watching him say goodbye to everyone was going to be hard, but I never imagined it would be this hard. I walked around hugging people after he did and started to get teary eyed when Donna hugged me and reminded me that I'm always welcome at their home....Then I looked at Chels and I knew it was over. I walked over and we both immediately started crying, it was as if we read each others minds. Not only was I watching her say goodbye to my husband for 7 months but she looked at me and said "When will I get to see you?" I had to tell her about 2 weeks... and that is what broke my heart.

Chels and I have been a part of every significant event in each other's lives for the past 10 years... high school grad, college, engagements, college grad, losing my mama, her wedding, my wedding, and now her first child being born. I think what we both realized in that moment that we started crying is that God has put two very significant events in our lives at the same time, which He has never done before. It absolutely broke my heart to know that I won't see Hudson or be a part of the next two weeks of his life and I know that she felt the same heart break knowing that she won't be with me when I have to say goodbye to my husband for 7 months. God had created two very significant events in our lives at the same time and I think we both realized in that moment that we would be apart for the first time. I had to leave the room very quickly because I knew I was going to lose it...Which I did on the way home with hubby. I'm a true believer that it is good to let out a good cry every once in a while and it felt good. 

This blog is for my best friend, who is now a beautiful mama! God has blessed you and Tanner in so many ways already by providing you a beautiful and healthy baby boy, I can't wait to see what He has for the future! I'm so sorry I won't be there for more of Hudson's first two weeks in this world, and I know that you would give anything to be there when I say goodbye to Trevor. God is faithful and good. Love you Chels! 

Pre-Deployment Update

Well Trevor will be leaving 10 days from today... I can't even believe it. Part of me is clinging to time and begging God to slow down our time and the other part of me is ready for him to leave. That sounds crazy, huh? Those of you who are military wives who have gone through a deployment probably understand that statement because there comes a point (at about 3 weeks for us) where it is almost more difficult to keep waiting. We both get more anxious as it gets closer, mostly about the unknown. Trevor wonders what it will be like and is dealing with the mix of being excited and anxious at the same time. He still tells people how his time in Iraq on 2008 was one of the best experiences of his life, but here was a huge difference, he was single. When he left for Iraq he put all of his belongings in storage and the only thing he had to think about back home was calling his parents at least once a week on Saturdays. As we prepare for this deployment, we have lists on our refrigerator of "honey do's" for Trevor to get done before he leaves, only they aren't "petty" chores around the house, they are things that he wants to ensure get done so that he can have peace of mind that I will be safe at home while he is gone... Just a few examples are creating updated POA documents and writing a will. I haven't ever had a will in my life! He also has to worry about things on the house such as making sure our alarm system is up to date, installing extra motion lights on the outside of our home so that I can see when I  come home at night, and even things like making sure we have a fire extinguisher around the house and a "plan" of what I would do if someone tried to break in. Above all of these things though, my husband has to do one of the hardest things any man will ever have to do in preparing to leave... he has to write what we call a "What if..." letter. How does a husband even begin in writing a letter to his bride in the event that he would be killed serving in Afghanistan? It's hard for me to even go down that road with my thoughts so I think my blog is going to end right here for today...I will write more about how I've been dealing with this pre-deployment season soon. I am def to the point where I have accepted that my husband is going to leave for 7 months, I just feel like there are several unknowns in how we will be able to communicate and how safe he will be at the base he will report to. Please pray for the next 10 days to be sweet and full of lifelong memories for Trevor and I are we prepare to send him off. 


Thankfully, we have been blessed with the most amazing friends. As I'm sitting here writing this blog post, Sophie jumped off the bed and ran to the door because someone was outside. As I got to the door, someone had left the most adorable pumpkin pot with flowers inside and a sweet card for us with a gift card to Red Lobster. This is actually the 3rd day in a row that Trevor and I have come home and had a sweet encouraging gift on our door step from anonymous people. It means the world to us that our friends would take the time to do leave such encouraging gifts with creative date nights in it for us so that we can make the next 10 days special! We love you all... whoever you are ;) 


My next blog post will include pics of these adorable gifts of encouragement!

Blessed Be Your Name

I know this is a very late entry...about 33 days to be exact. On August 12, 2011 we prepared to welcome Lilianna Rose Walker into the world as we arrived at the hospital at 6:00am. At that time it was only Dale and Quinn and my husband, Trevor and I. We tried to "coast" through the time while Quinn got ready to be prepared for surgery by chatting about life and even laughing together, which was difficult because everyone had their own fears, questions, and anticipation in their minds as we anxiously waited for the surgeon to tell us that it was time for Quinn to go. Not even 30 minutes after we got to the hospital, our pastor showed up to join us as we waited...we prayed and then went back to chatting about life to pass the time. Izzy and Sophia along with their grandparents came and brought JOY to the room as Quinn got to watch her girls dance around without a worry on their mind; Izzy was very excited about her baby sister being born and even the thought of knowing she was going to to heaven to be made perfect.

We all anxiously waited to hear from them while Quinn was in surgery having her c-section and I remember just stopping to pray constantly. It was as if our conversations with people in the room were interupted by constant prayers flowing through our minds. We received our first picture from Dale in a text telling us that Lily had been born and she was absolutely beautiful. I remember wondering whether she was still alive or if she had already gone to heaven since her eyes were closed (like most newborns) in the picture. As we walked to go see Dale and Quinn, I prepared myself for the worst. I prayed that that they would have time with her and thanked God for what He had already given them, but I was still pleading for more time. Please Lord, just another hour... I remember walking in the recovery room and seeing Quinn smiling down at Lily with the biggest glow I've ever seen on her face. She was a new mama. A very proud mama. And she was ready to show off Lilianna Rose. I remember tears flowing down my face as Trevor and I got to meet Lily for the first time. She was perfect.

The next few hours were amazing. Everyone in the room, including doctors were blown away that Lily had been with us for 5 hours. 6 hours. 7 hours. 8 hours. Doctors began looking into medical interventions and things they may have "missed" on the ultrasound because they could not fathom how Lily was still taking breaths on her own in her mommy's arms. After several other tests, they determined that she could live anywhere from hours to a few days.

At one point, I was standing in the hallway with Izzy when she started crying and came over to sit on my lap. She put her arms around my neck and squeezed me. As she looked up to me and asked "Is Lily going to heaven to be with Jesus soon?" all I could think about was her child like faith. I told her that only the Lord knows when Lily would be called home with Him and she said "but then she will be perfect, right Allison?" What is it about children that makes their faith so strong? That day I prayed that everyone in the room would experience the faith that Izzy has come to believe in in such a short time of learning about her Savior.

And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.- Matthew 18:3

Trevor and I stayed with Dale, Quinn, and Lilianna as the grandparents took two very tired girlies home for the night to rest and get some dinner. One of the best memories of this entire day was getting to take pictures and video of Dale giving his new little angel a bath. Quinn got to share stories of him giving the other girls baths right after they were born and I remember her saying what a blessing it was to be given the opportunity to have these "firsts" with Lily as they did with Izzy and Sophia! Keep in mind, Quinn went through major abdominal surgery only hours before this bath with little to no pain meds by choice, and she was determined to be a part of her first and only bath! This picture just makes me tear up because this is one of the biggest smiles I've ever seen on Dale's face... it's always the biggest when it has to do with one of his girls :) This was also the first time they got to weigh her...3.6lbs! She was so beautiful!

Trevor and I both took turns holding Lily for the first time and I just remember how incredibly blessed I felt that we were able to not only meet Lilianna Rose, but to spend so much quality time with her as she met her mama, daddy, sisters, and grandparents. After the "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep" photo session, Trevor and I left for the night around 10pm when the grandparents came back to give them some alone time with Lily, Dale, and Quinn. We got home from the hospital and crashed... This was the first time we had left the hospital in about 16 hours and we just talked about how much we love the Walker family all the way home. We slept for about 3 hours when we got a phone call from Dale asking us to come back to the hospital with a sense of panic in his voice. Again, as we walked into the room, we didn't know if God had called her home by that point and prepared ourselves for the chance that He had. Trevor and I spent the last hour of Lily's life surrounding and holding Dale and Quinn as they held their baby girl in their arms and watched her take her last breaths. As I sat there with Quinn I remember feeling an peace in the room. I remember thinking in my mind: This is family. Intimate family. I also remember that I didn't feel pressure to say "the right thing" or even say anything at all, but instead that just sitting in silence with one another was enough. It was perfect.

Lilianna Rose Walker was born on August 12, 2011 and went to be with our Savior on August 13, 2011 in the arms of her mommy and daddy. It took me so long to write this blog because I just kept telling myself that nothing that I wrote would provide even a glimpse of the blessing that Trevor and I were a part of. I didn't feel as if I could give Lilianna the words that her sweet life deserves or the words that describe the love and grace of the Lord. During our sermon at church this Sunday, our pastor shared this quote:

"God Never Wastes A Hurt"

And that was true with Lilianna. We were hurting on August 12, 2011 and we continue to hurt. Trevor and I continue to grieve with the Walkers because Lily is their sweet daughter that we may not get to spoil on her birthdays or hear about her first day of school, but her life and her death (God calling her home) was not a waste. We are still able to love and cherish her and remember those 14 hours that we had with her. God did so much through Lilianna's life and more than we will ever know. Her story made medical professionals, friends, and co-workers ask questions about God and even seek Him for their own salvation. Her testimony shared by her mommy and daddy will forever touch people's lives and lead them to the Lord. Dale and Quinn have been such a testimony to God's love and grace and it has been incredible to watch them trust in Him and believe that He is good all the time. On the day Lilianna Rose was born, God was good and on the day that Lilianna Rose died, God was still good.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."- John 16:33

Trevor and I absolutely love Dale, Quinn, and their three daughters: Isabella Lauren, Sophia Grace, and Lilianna Rose. Being invited to walk alongside them during such an intimate time in their lives has been such a blessing and it makes us realize how thankful we are for them. Driving home from the hospital, I remember looking at Trevor and saying "We can't PCS (move, for my non-military friends) without the Walker's. We just can't." We already couldn't imagine moving away from them when it comes time for the military to move us, but now it is just unbearable to even think about. I want to continue to live life with them and experience JOY and grief together. Trevor has made comments so many times about how much he looks up to Dale as a father and that means the world to me. Quinn lives for her girls...she is ALL mom and they are both such good examples of godly parents and I can't imagine having our first baby without them there. All babies are special and a gift from God...whether you are called to carry them during pregnancy, called to love them for minutes to days, or called to parent them for  a lifetime. Thank you Lord for your love, faithfulness, and goodness!

To the Walkers...We love all 5 of you!

Costa Rica: Anniversary trip!

We got back from Costa Rica last week and it was the most amazing week of the year! We went during over 1 year wedding anniversary and about one month prior to Trevor deploying to Afghanistan, it was truly perfect timing! I posted pics on Facebook already, but wanted to have a few on my blog as well!

These pics are from the first day we got to our resort in Guanacaste, Costa Rica! This was our little private villa that we had in the back of the resort and our view from the villa :) This was absolute serenity... love!

Hubby decided to rent a car and drive us around the Costa Rica countryside, which was so fun! What an incredible experience to be driving around a foreign country on your own...we got to see different beach towns and local areas! Def a fun day :)

These pictures are from an all day tour that we went on that took us to the Arenal Volcano, one of the most active volcanos in the world.  It was amazing! It was about 3 hours away and we took a tour bus up the mountain! These pics are from the hotsprings at the base of the volcano as well...it was so so cool! 25 different pools of hotsprings with 12 different temperatures...it was SO relaxing!

These are right before we went ziplining! We rode on the gondola up the mountain and into the rainforest...this was such a CRAZY experience to be in a REAL rainforest...when we looked down, we couldn't even see the ground, just trees because we were on top of them all :) Amazing views!

Wheeeee! This was absolutely insane! We ended up zipling down about 8 different cables! We started off with two "test" cables to make sure we knew what we were doing and check the safety of the equipment. On the third cable, we came out into the middle of the rainforest and I just remember thinking "Oh my goodness, I could actually die right now if I fell" and I was terrified to look down. Trevor said I pretty much screamed the entire way through the rainforest LOL! But in my defense, he was completely freaked out at that first real cable too ;) We also got stuck in a thunderstorm on about the 4th cable...absolutely terrifying because we were about 700 feet in the air in the middle of the rainforest with rain, thunder, and lightening! One of the cables we actually zipped approximately 2,200 feet at about 50mph in pouring down rain...

Just us :) We got to take a TON of pictures while we there with my new camera and Trevor was so very patient with me ;) He knows that pictures are so important to me, especially for our anniversary and right before he leaves.

This trip was incredible. It was exactly what we needed for our marriage and for the pre-deployment stage that we were about to begin. Our life at Fort Hood has been pretty fast paced since we got married and I moved here about a year ago and this vacation was such a blessing. We were able to shut the rest of the world out and just focus on "us" time. Instead of laying on the couch on our phones or laptops at night, we sat outside on our porch and listened to to the waves hit the rocks and state out at the ocean outside of our villa. Thank you God for providing such a relaxing and much needed vacation for our marriage :)