A new tug at my heart

Just when I thought I was in a good rythym blogging, I stop...what's up with that? Well I have definately had a lot of "ups and downs" over the last month and I just can't allow myself to blog until I am able to write intentionally and articulate my thoughts, not just puke out a bunch of emotions onto my keyboard! I never want to write when I am an emotional mess because that's not helpful for anyone to read...especially because so many of my friends are going through this same season of deployment!

I have been feeling a light tug over the past few months and it wasn't until recently that I was able to identify what that tug was...until it became a not so light tug. As I've written before, when an opportunity for a Hospice position came open, I was not completely sure about it because I didn't know what my comfort level would be with my own experience as a family member of a previous hospice patient. I quickly fell in love! God has surrounded Trevor and I with suffering over the past few months and a suffering that is deeply rooted. Two friends who I am very close to had to say goodbye to their babies the day they were born and now they are clinging to the truth that they receive from God's word but are also learning how to work through their grief. As I was walking through this with these two families, I was desperately wanting to be able to relate in some way, even though I am not a mother. I read two books that really helped my perspective and at least gave me a better glimpse of what they were going through. I would recommend both of these books to anyone who has lost someone important in their lives or even if you just want to know more how to relate to and love your friends who have lost someone.

"I will carry you" - Angie Smith
"Holding onto Hope"- Nancy Guthrie

Grief is natural, even if you are a believer and have peace about your loved one going to Heaven, you still grieve. And you should! My favorite part of working on the hospice unit has been listening to people tell stories of their loved ones lives and working through the aniticpation of end of life and beginning that "anticipatory" stage of grief.

"Grief is painful. Grief is unpredictable. Grief involves surprises. The way out of grief is through it"(author unknown)

I just have a desire and craving to learn more about grief and loss and how to work through grief biblically. God gives us a complete handbook of promises, commands, and instructions on how to live our lives to glorify Him and in that, we can learn how to work through grief as well. Why woudn't we use that? The same God who put us on this earth takes us to Heaven...and that same God gives us His word to live by. I know that after my mom passed away, I literally do not know how I would have continued living if it wasn't for the hope I have in the Lord. I know that's a scary statement, but it's true. So many counselors are afraid to address someone's spirituality in fear that they will be crossing a boundary, but how do you get down to the core of someone's grief without opening up that door and diving right in?

I'm not sure where God is leading me in this, but I want to learn more. I want to gain a better understanding of biblical counseling focusing specifically on grief and loss, whether that's through classes or books on my own! Maybe I am being called to provide grief and loss counseling as a career or maybe it's simply to broaden my understanding so that I can help, love, and serve my friends and family as they experience loss. 

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.- John 16:33

 God has shown his faithfulness & goodness to us through the stories of my beautiful mama, Lilianna Rose, and Gracen Faith to reveal this to me and I am forever thankful for each one of their precious lives.

A season of reflection

Since Trevor has been deployed, I think I've been in sort of  a "reflection" season. I have been really enjoying looking back on our relationship and even the last 3-5 years of my life. Below is a blog entry from April 29th, 2010 on my previous blog: http://allisonmfinnell.blogspot.com/.

I loved looking back and reading this blog because I remember writing it. I was sitting in my old apartment with my roommate Amanda while I was in graduate school living in Austin. I remember being so terrified of the idea of becoming a military wife and moving to Fort Hood...so I prayed. A lot. I asked God so many times to show me what our purpose would be at Fort Hood. Why in the world did it have to be in Killeen, Texas?? In this blog I was processing what we were praying and what we knew God was revealing. Trevor and I really began to believe that there was a big purpose for us specifically at Fort Hood and that purpose was to share God's story in our lives.  Not only to share His stories, but also to share the hope that we have in Him, which is what we knew would get us through each day as we've been called to the crazy. 


Fast forwarding about a year and a 1/2 and this is our life... God is using us in ways that are too big for our finite minds to even understand right now. We have been so beyond blessed by a community of believers and friends here at Fort Hood and an amazing church community. I remember trying our small group out for the first time and after everyone went around the room and said how long they'd been married, it got to us and we cheerfully said "10 days"...We were SUCH newlyweds! We knew that if we were going to invest in peoples lives here and share the hope that we had in the Lord, we needed to plug into a church and community group quickly! 


God has blessed us with amazing friends and a home that we believe he gave us so that we could use it to bless others. Our home quickly became an open door to our small group, friends, and even wives at Fort Hood as a way to meet friends.


I absolutely love this season of reflection. Thank you Lord for allowing me to stumble upon this old blog :) 

THURSDAY, APRIL 29, 2010

"Greater things are still to be done in this NATION!"

A few weeks ago I was sitting at church during worship when the song "God of this city" came on. I was struck by the lyrics and felt like God was speaking to me but replacing our city with our nation. It was put on my heart to sing...

"Greater things have yet to come, greater things are still to be done in this NATION...."

Trevor and I have had several conversations about what our place and calling will be with sharing the gospel with our life in the military. We constantly ask "How will God use our marriage for His glory??"

At that moment, while we both stood and worshipped God together, I felt His presence in a powerful way telling me that He is going to use us to share Jesus with military families that we are surrounded by. I know that God is going to orchestrate every move we make within the military to a specific base for a specific reason. As of now, this is something we are praying through, but I can't shake the idea that God is going to do big things to reveal himself to our nation as a whole!

This morning Amanda and I were driving and kept seeing flags hanging at half-staff...we couldn't figure out why. When we came home, we made chocolate chip pancakes and turned on the news. President Obama was speaking in honor or Dorothy Heights, a leader of the civil rights movement. He started reading out of the gospel of Matthew about the blessing of humbleness.

I feel like God has been working on my heart for our nation over the last month, and I don't know exactly what He is trying to reveal, but I do know one thing... that is that He has a big plan for His name to be known across our nation and within the military culture. The love of Jesus will change lives in military and provide hope to these families who are so sacrificial with their lives and allow them to see an even greater purpose for their sacrifice than just for our country.

There are so many people who sacrifice on a daily basis for everyone in our nation. What greater gift could we give them other than sharing with their family the hope of Jesus?

"Greater things have yet to come, greater things are still to be done in this NATION!"

My purpose as a wife during deployment

"What are my purposes during this deployment?"

 and 

"What does thriving, not just surviving even look like?"

These are questions that have been spinning through my mind over the past two weeks and I feel like God is beginning to give me some insight about this. I def do not have this figured out... I just simply feel as if my head is not spinning quite as out of control as it was right after Trevor left and I am able to focus more. I feel like the primary focus of this deployment is to love and support my husband while he serves our country well. As a husband, Trevor needs to feel confident that he has someone at home who respects what he's doing, supports what he's doing, and prays for him while he does it. 

Aside from supporting my husband during his deployment, does God call me to a specific purpose during our time apart? This is what I feel like He has been convicting me of the most. My short answer is YES. I think that God has presented me with an amazing opportunity to deepen my relationship with the Him individually while Trevor is away, just as Trevor has been given the same opportunity. 

I believe He has also provided me with a chance to serve other women at Fort Hood during this time. Every military wife knows that time is precious when our husbands are home, so we don't always feel like we have a ton of extra time to give outside of our family. Unfortunately that's not necessarily true, but that could be a whole new blog! The point is, I have so much time on my hands right now... My husband isn't there for me to rush home to, I don't have someone to cook for/with every night (other than my amazing roomie!!), and almost every weekend is available. So why not be spending time with other women during this time? Why not bring a friend a meal after she's had a baby? Why not just go hang out with a friend and her three kiddos since it is more difficult for her to get out of the house?

This is what I'm realizing. Deployment is hard...Yes! The week Trevor left was the worst week I've had in the last 3 years, however, deployment is not a tragedy. Deployment is a loss...But not a tragedy. When Trevor left, I definitely felt a loss. I grieved the loss of my husband as I prepared for him to be gone the next 6-7 months and it was hard. I cried, a lot. In saying that, I have friends who are going through tragedies. Real tragedies. Tragedies that are strengthening them in amazing ways. Two of my closest friends at Fort Hood just had to say goodbye to their daughters who only lived hours on the day they were born. Both of these women are able to see that even though their daughters lives were short here on this Earth, God has a mighty and perfect purpose for their life and story. I truly believe that God is calling me to be intentional with my time and use it wisely. We have been given an amazing opportunity as military wives to take our extra time and bless someone else. 


I miss my husband every day and would never have asked for this deployment, but God put us at Fort Hood Texas and sent my husband to Afghanistan for a reason larger than my finite mind can understand. I also know that one of the purposes behind this deployment is to learn how to of bless others. This is my prayer...That I will be able to grieve the loss of my husband for the next 6-7 months but also realize that him leaving is not a tragedy and focus on what I feel like God is calling me to do here on the home front. 

Entrusted With Much

Today we celebrated Gracen Faith Saltzgaber's sweet little life! We knew from the beginning that her time here on Earth would be short because God had bigger things for her life and this afternoon we celebrated and we grieved. We know that Gracen is now dancing in the arms of Jesus, but we still miss her...and that's okay. Dale and Quinn have been absolutely amazing through this and have really shown what it looks like to serve others when you are still grieving. They did so much to make Gracen's service special. It was perfect. 

Dayna told me that Shelli, a family friend, was going to share Gracen's story and she asked me to email Shelli a few things about what it was like to walk thru the last 9 months with Ryan and Dayna. So I chatted with Em and emailed her what was on my heart, thinking she was going to throw a few of my thoughts into Gracen's story here and there. Shelli got up and said that she'd like to read the letter that I wrote. My heart was pounding because I was thinking "letter? This wasn't a letter?" and was def not something I wrote prepared for an audience to read, but at that point I just prayed that my words were adequate and accurately reflected Ryan and Dayna's life.

Here's what she read... 

It has been such a humbling and amazing experience to walk through the last 9 months with Ryan and Dayna. They have inspired and tought our small group of friends so much from obedience to the Lord, faithfulness to prayer, what it means to be joyful during a tragedy, and constantly remaining thankful for what God has entrusted them with. Dayna just kept saying over and over that God has "entrusted" them with much, she would recite that to herself over the 9 months... just an incredible testimony that God is good and that He does entrust those he loves with MUCH. 

Dayna would talk about the hopes they had for Gracen and just her sweet personality that she hoped for was incredible. It didn't matter if she was going to live for minutes, hours, or a lifetime...it never had an effect on their love for her! I also loved that Dayna wanted Gracen to experience as much as she could while in the womb, knowing that her time on earth would most likely be short. We were picking dates for my husband and I to take a trip to Sea World last month and Dayna quickly said "We need to go soon because I want Gracen to see Sea World" and she meant it...we had a great time and talked about Gracen's first time on a water ride, her first time of Shamu kissing her in mama's belly, etc. Such a sweet day! Dayna never wanted people to "not talk about Gracen" or not know what to say about her...but instead she wanted Gracen to be a part of everything we did and talked about!

They also fully relied on the Lord and His grace after every medical appointment they went to. They never questioned whether God was good, but instead believed that He is sovereign. They also knew that this was not something of the enemy, but instead, something that the Lord allowed to happen because He has a bigger plan for Gracen's life and even for her testimony to be shared by her mommy and daddy and family/friends. They still trusted that God is good. God was good when they found out they were expecting, He was good when they found out her disorder, and He was still good the day she was born.

Another sweet memory was pretty soon after they found out that they were expecting their first baby, they decided not to find out the gender. One day Dayna and a few of us girls were laying by the pool chatting about girl and boy names and one of the most important things to her was the name meanings! Even more than how they sounded with Saltzgaber (which was complicated at times, HaHa!), she wanted to make sure that his/her name gave glory to the Lord and to what they had hoped and prayed for when they found out they were expecting!

I know that so many people have learned so much while walking through the last 9 months with Ryan and Dayna, myself included. They are truly an example of what it looks like to live a Christ-centered life and trust in the Lord no matter what He has them and how much His plans differ from theirs.

As I sat in the pew at our church and listened to Dayna read a letter that they wrote to Gracen and the whole church sing worship songs to our King, I literally wept. I was sitting between Dale and Jesse with Quinn and Tori on each side of them and I missed my husband so much in that moment. I haven't felt that feeling of "alone in a crowd" in so long, and the feeling overwhelmed me. I wanted so badly for Trevor to be sitting next to me holding me and to feel safe and comforted in his embrace. As soon as I felt this flood of loneliness, I started praying. The most beautiful thing happened...within seconds, I felt as if I could feel the Lord's embrace physically holding onto me.  It felt as if Trevor was sitting behind me holding me, but I obviously knew it was not my husband. What an incredible feeling. Somedays I wonder how in the world I am going to "survive" the next 7 months without my husband, but I know that God has a big plan for our time apart and I'm thankful that He is slowly showing us both that. I had become a very independent woman in graduate school and had learned to live on my own (with my roomie of course!) and I am starting to realize how much I have learned to depend on my husband. God is reminding me day by day that it is def good to depend on Trevor and it is how he designed marriage, but I have to rely first on Him.