We all anxiously waited to hear from them while Quinn was in surgery having her c-section and I remember just stopping to pray constantly. It was as if our conversations with people in the room were interupted by constant prayers flowing through our minds. We received our first picture from Dale in a text telling us that Lily had been born and she was absolutely beautiful. I remember wondering whether she was still alive or if she had already gone to heaven since her eyes were closed (like most newborns) in the picture. As we walked to go see Dale and Quinn, I prepared myself for the worst. I prayed that that they would have time with her and thanked God for what He had already given them, but I was still pleading for more time. Please Lord, just another hour... I remember walking in the recovery room and seeing Quinn smiling down at Lily with the biggest glow I've ever seen on her face. She was a new mama. A very proud mama. And she was ready to show off Lilianna Rose. I remember tears flowing down my face as Trevor and I got to meet Lily for the first time. She was perfect.
The next few hours were amazing. Everyone in the room, including doctors were blown away that Lily had been with us for 5 hours. 6 hours. 7 hours. 8 hours. Doctors began looking into medical interventions and things they may have "missed" on the ultrasound because they could not fathom how Lily was still taking breaths on her own in her mommy's arms. After several other tests, they determined that she could live anywhere from hours to a few days.
At one point, I was standing in the hallway with Izzy when she started crying and came over to sit on my lap. She put her arms around my neck and squeezed me. As she looked up to me and asked "Is Lily going to heaven to be with Jesus soon?" all I could think about was her child like faith. I told her that only the Lord knows when Lily would be called home with Him and she said "but then she will be perfect, right Allison?" What is it about children that makes their faith so strong? That day I prayed that everyone in the room would experience the faith that Izzy has come to believe in in such a short time of learning about her Savior.
And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.- Matthew 18:3
Trevor and I stayed with Dale, Quinn, and Lilianna as the grandparents took two very tired girlies home for the night to rest and get some dinner. One of the best memories of this entire day was getting to take pictures and video of Dale giving his new little angel a bath. Quinn got to share stories of him giving the other girls baths right after they were born and I remember her saying what a blessing it was to be given the opportunity to have these "firsts" with Lily as they did with Izzy and Sophia! Keep in mind, Quinn went through major abdominal surgery only hours before this bath with little to no pain meds by choice, and she was determined to be a part of her first and only bath! This picture just makes me tear up because this is one of the biggest smiles I've ever seen on Dale's face... it's always the biggest when it has to do with one of his girls :) This was also the first time they got to weigh her...3.6lbs! She was so beautiful!
Trevor and I both took turns holding Lily for the first time and I just remember how incredibly blessed I felt that we were able to not only meet Lilianna Rose, but to spend so much quality time with her as she met her mama, daddy, sisters, and grandparents. After the "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep" photo session, Trevor and I left for the night around 10pm when the grandparents came back to give them some alone time with Lily, Dale, and Quinn. We got home from the hospital and crashed... This was the first time we had left the hospital in about 16 hours and we just talked about how much we love the Walker family all the way home. We slept for about 3 hours when we got a phone call from Dale asking us to come back to the hospital with a sense of panic in his voice. Again, as we walked into the room, we didn't know if God had called her home by that point and prepared ourselves for the chance that He had. Trevor and I spent the last hour of Lily's life surrounding and holding Dale and Quinn as they held their baby girl in their arms and watched her take her last breaths. As I sat there with Quinn I remember feeling an peace in the room. I remember thinking in my mind: This is family. Intimate family. I also remember that I didn't feel pressure to say "the right thing" or even say anything at all, but instead that just sitting in silence with one another was enough. It was perfect.
Lilianna Rose Walker was born on August 12, 2011 and went to be with our Savior on August 13, 2011 in the arms of her mommy and daddy. It took me so long to write this blog because I just kept telling myself that nothing that I wrote would provide even a glimpse of the blessing that Trevor and I were a part of. I didn't feel as if I could give Lilianna the words that her sweet life deserves or the words that describe the love and grace of the Lord. During our sermon at church this Sunday, our pastor shared this quote:
"God Never Wastes A Hurt"
And that was true with Lilianna. We were hurting on August 12, 2011 and we continue to hurt. Trevor and I continue to grieve with the Walkers because Lily is their sweet daughter that we may not get to spoil on her birthdays or hear about her first day of school, but her life and her death (God calling her home) was not a waste. We are still able to love and cherish her and remember those 14 hours that we had with her. God did so much through Lilianna's life and more than we will ever know. Her story made medical professionals, friends, and co-workers ask questions about God and even seek Him for their own salvation. Her testimony shared by her mommy and daddy will forever touch people's lives and lead them to the Lord. Dale and Quinn have been such a testimony to God's love and grace and it has been incredible to watch them trust in Him and believe that He is good all the time. On the day Lilianna Rose was born, God was good and on the day that Lilianna Rose died, God was still good.
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."- John 16:33
Trevor and I absolutely love Dale, Quinn, and their three daughters: Isabella Lauren, Sophia Grace, and Lilianna Rose. Being invited to walk alongside them during such an intimate time in their lives has been such a blessing and it makes us realize how thankful we are for them. Driving home from the hospital, I remember looking at Trevor and saying "We can't PCS (move, for my non-military friends) without the Walker's. We just can't." We already couldn't imagine moving away from them when it comes time for the military to move us, but now it is just unbearable to even think about. I want to continue to live life with them and experience JOY and grief together. Trevor has made comments so many times about how much he looks up to Dale as a father and that means the world to me. Quinn lives for her girls...she is ALL mom and they are both such good examples of godly parents and I can't imagine having our first baby without them there. All babies are special and a gift from God...whether you are called to carry them during pregnancy, called to love them for minutes to days, or called to parent them for a lifetime. Thank you Lord for your love, faithfulness, and goodness!
To the Walkers...We love all 5 of you!
Wow Allison. this brought tears to my eyes. I cannot imagine the joy, or the hurt that soon follows. I thank God they got to have that baby as long as they did. I will pray for you and this family today. <3
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